Thinking vs feeling self

I am working on feeling my way through the world rather than thinking my way through the world. This is quite a process and not one that I am taking lightly. Although we are fully capable of doing both, most of us have an inherent preference for one or the other. I’ve spoken about this frequently because it has become so evident during my time off. I am a thinker. I always have been. I love to live inside my head and it is definitely a strength of mine. Because I have always lead with my head, switching to leading with my heart feels scary and hard.

I an effort to find balance between thinking and feeling, I knew I needed to engage my feeling self deeply. I thought I could make this shift from feeling to thinking with little consequence. I am learning there are all sorts of consequences. Not all bad of course, but some more challenging than others. I’m also learning that my environment plays a huge role in how easy this is for me.

Some days it feels like trying to throw a ball or write with my non dominant left hand. Sure, I can do it, but is it pretty?! Absolutely not. It also requires a lot more effort. Thinking is my dominant side. It is the easiest way for me to move through the world. Feeling is my non dominant side. Everything still feels clumsy, slower, and more difficult. But the fun thing about being human is that we are incredibly adaptable. With consistent practice and repetition, I can learn to do everything with my left hand. With the same consistent practice and repetition, I can also learn to feel my way through the world with more ease.

There is this therapy technique in the world of neurological rehabilitation called constraint induced movement therapy. If someone has a non preferred arm or hand, whether that is from a stroke, cerebral palsy or another injury, the preferred side is limited to encourage more use of the non preferred arm. There is usually a big mitten placed on the preferred hand to essentially make it unusable. This forces the person to use the non preferred hand to perform all tasks throughout the day. It is essentially an easy way to increase practice and repetition with the less functional side.

In a way, traveling to new places and having novel experiences is a version of constraint induced movement therapy for my thinking self. When I am long term traveling without many plans, it is as if I am required to use my non dominant feeling self as my primary vehicle to move through the world. I can’t simply rely on my thinking self because I am in a completely novel environment. I must feel my way through every experience. My body is required to be fully present in new places unlike ever before.

Our thinking self loves patterns, routine and habits. It loves efficiency and consistency in day to day life. It likes to know what the plan is for the day and to know what to expect in the near future. Our feeling self gets us out of our head and into our body. It is happiest when we are presently engaged with the energy around us and making choices from present information rather than relying on past patterns or habits. It prefers to honor the needs of our body rather than the shoulds that pop up. The way I’ve been traveling is counter to everything my thinking self loves and exactly what my feeling self craves.

It is actually quite comical how quickly I can slip into my feeling self when traveling because of how driven by my thinking self I typically am. The rigidity and consistency I love at home can easily go right out the window while traveling. This is why in ways, it feels like constraint induced movement therapy for my thinking self. Of course, I still must think while traveling and I absolutely do maintain some routines and habits. If you know me, you know my sleep routine is as close to a non negotiable as I get! But the balance is shifted in a way I cant fully explain.

But I’m realizing that as soon as I return to an environment that is not so novel or new, aka a past home or very familiar place, it is like the restraint on my thinking self is completely removed. Most recently, upon my return to Colorado, I felt this uncomfortable shift away from being fully in my body and more towards my mind. It took me a while to process what was happening. Now I’m realizing it is like the big mitten is slipped off my thinking self when I return to these familiar places.

Sure, my feeling self is still there, and maybe a bit stronger than it was before, but now that my more dominant side is uninhibited, it wants to make up for lost time and take over control. In ways, my feeling self can quiet down because being in a familiar environment requires less present awareness. My body knows what to expect and how things will go. This means it can slip back into default mode, where it only speaks up if something is out of the ordinary.

Because most of the past seven months, my feeling self has been much louder than usual, I got quite used to its presence. But I also didn’t realize how exhausting it can be to learn to navigate the world with my non dominant self. Being back in Colorado feels so odd because my feeling self has fallen into default mode, a place it hasn’t been in quite some time. With my thinking self taking the lead again, my feeling self can finally rest a bit. This has also happened every time I’ve returned to Ohio during this time off.

Honestly, although it feels uncomfortable, it is probably a good thing for me. Giving my feeling self a break is more than necessary at this point. In a way, it feels like a restart for this side of myself. A part of me that has been working overtime for the past seven months and likely has a lot of unnecessary programs running in the background. Just like our laptops and phones, a restart and update are quite necessary to keep things running smoothly and efficiently.

With constraint induced movement therapy, the goal is to strengthen the non preferred side to the point where the preferred side can be free of limitation and both sides are still used appropriately. Returning to Colorado and feeling the restraints being lifted from my thinking self have made me realize I haven’t quite balanced the strength between these two selves. I still prefer to operate in this world with my thinking self in control.

But there is this little part of me that has come to love my feeling self deeply. I have found the hidden gifts that come with navigating the world through feeling. Letting my thinking self take charge limits the size of my world in many ways. My feeling self has opened up an entirely new dimension of life, one that I am not willing to lose.

So I will honor this moment for the rest and reset that it provides. I’m guessing I may need another round of constraint induced movement therapy for my thinking self before I find total balance. Good thing there is plenty of time and more than enough opportunities to continue to strengthen my feeling self.