The volume of life

How much does your outside world drown out your inner world? I don’t think we are nearly as aware as we think when it comes to the relative landscapes of our inner and outer worlds.

I’ve obviously had a lot of time to think and wonder about all sorts of things during my time off. I essentially turned the volume dial on the outside world to mute back in November. To my utter surprise, this muted outer world revealed an intensely loud and chaotic inner world. After years of work to reconnect to myself and cultivating the ability to listen to my inner knowing, I have been shocked by all the work that still needs to be done. Even with years of intentional quieting of my outer world, I was still drowning out what feels like 90% until I found that mute button. Now, I’m learning to really listen for the first time.

And let me tell you, it’s a fucking journey. Pardon my language but it needs to be emphasized how confusing and odd of a time this has been. I am not saying it hasn’t been great, because it has also been that. But like I said before, it is as if my ears are completely new and it is taking time for them to recalibrate to this new awareness of my inner voice.

I had the incredible privilege to plan to take this year off. That means I did everything I could to prepare myself mentally, physically, emotionally and financially for this transition. Yet, nearly daily, I am hit by waves of confusion, anxiety, fear, and god knows what else. Often, I find that I feel disappointed in myself. As if, I should be handling this transition better because I knew it was coming. I mean come on, I chose this! Why can’t I be productive and check all the things off my never ending to do list?

I have a few dear friends in my life that currently or recently have been going through similar stages in life albeit more challenging. I know there is a vast difference in losing your job vs walking away willingly. But conversations with them have often made me feel less alone and less crazy as a whole. But I constantly come back to the question of why does this feel so hard for everyone? It’s a time when from the outside looking in, it should be easy to be productive and creative. The world is at my fingertips, but nobody can see how overwhelming it all feels.

I really believe it comes back to this idea of where our volume dials are set. Nearly all of us living in the world today have no choice but to have the volume cranked all the way up on our outside world. The sensory overload of our society is unlike anything humans have ever experienced in history. The noises, smells, sights, tactile input and tastes of this world are constantly in our faces. Can you think of a moment in your last 24 hours where your senses were not overwhelmed?

Either the news is on in the background, music is blaring through the AirPods in your ears, traffic outside your window, notifications making your phone buzz in your pocket, or extra salty or sweet treats are inundating your tastebuds. Any time we feel a sensation in our bodies, we reach for something in our outside world to distract us from them.

This outer world, this sensory overload that is unavoidable, takes a toll on our mind and body. I’ve heard it said that it is like we constantly have 100 browser windows open on our desktop at all times. That reference is a bit outdated already…let’s switch it to apps. If you have every app on your phone open at once, of course your battery is going to drain quickly.

When we step back and notice how overwhelming this world is, it’s no wonder our minds and bodies are shutting down anywhere they can. Unfortunately for most of us, the only option is to turn down the volume to our inner worlds. Because despite how frustrating the outer world can be, we must attune to it to stay alive at times. So what gets lost is access to ourselves.

Our mind and body are doing the best with what they have. They know resources are limited. And corners have to be cut somewhere. It’s survival at its best. But also it’s worst. This, this quieting of our inner world, detaches us from the wisdom our own body holds. We lose so much when we lose access to this part of ourselves.

So what do we do about it? Well, in my case, I went full rogue and hit the mute button, which honestly, I’m not sure if I would recommend doing. It was like going from zero to one hundred in the worst and best of ways. All of a sudden, I removed myself from the demands of my outer world. I stepped away from a lot of the things that were draining me but also put myself in a precarious position.

In doing so, I all of a sudden gained access to an entirely new world within. One that after not having my attention for so long, demanded to be heard. I can’t tell you how many days I have felt completely blissful and then minutes later felt absolute despair. These sensory experiences that have been drowned out for nearly my entire life, are finally having their moment in the spotlight. And they are not losing a second of this opportunity.

Our bodies want to be heard. They are asking for our attention all the time. But we so often live in a world where it’s easier to drown out our bodies than actually listen. What feels like a helpful and sometimes necessary coping mechanism in the short term, seems to have complicated consequences in the long run.

I imagine that we are all treading water in an infinitely deep pool. Constantly having to stay in motion to stay afloat and our awareness is always on the water. Hitting the mute is like climbing out of the pool. But the moment you do, a torrential rain begins that only you can see. Everyone in the pool is looking up at you thinking how nice it must be. To be dry and be able to stop treading water seems luxurious. They are imagining all the things you can accomplish without having to expend all the energy just staying above water. But they don’t see the rain soaking you to your bones. They don’t see that even outside the pool, there is sensory overload, it just looks and feels so different. And the worst part? Only you know it’s happening because it’s all internal.

This is an incredibly long and round about way to try to explain what it feels like in my little world at the moment. I know, not everyone has the space or ability to hit that mute button. So even though it feels intense and uncomfortable at times, I’m doing my best to meet this new world with curiosity and love. I want my ears to become so attuned to my inner world that even when this self imposed period of mute ends, I will not lose the magic of this part of my world. I want to learn to dance in the rain that will always be present.

See, the beauty is that even in all the challenge of this time, I know I am constantly learning. Every time I am moved to tears or I am letting out a fit of laughter, for seemingly no reason, I know my ears are simply recalibrating. I am learning to listen to a different volume and perhaps a different frequency. How lucky am I to get to hear all this? I will never lose the gratitude for this precious time. Even when this time off looks nothing like I had hoped, I know it is everything I have ever needed.