The seed versus the shell

“I am a bit too cracked open.”

I’ve said this a few too many times while here in Prague I suppose because a friend finally asked me what I meant by it. I stumbled through an answer in real time, unsure of how to exactly answer. But as my mind does, it attempted to explain how I feel into an analogy. So here goes trying to write it down to help myself settle into a better understanding.

I feel as if I am living between worlds again, in a way it is difficult to express. In one hand, I am figuring out how to move in this reality and understand what feels best in my own being. In the other, I am losing access to the illusion of who I am in the most complicated of ways.

It is a confusing existence, to say the least. In a way, I feel more aligned with who I am than ever before while also feeling more lost every day. It comes down to this idea that the more you move towards your most authentic self, the more work you will be given. To let go of every idea you had of who you were before is no easy task.

The idea of a seed surrounded by a shell is the most appropriate way to express how I feel in this moment. A seed feels safe and snug inside a shell, not a care in the world. Until the time comes for the shell to crack open and reveal the seed to the world outside. At first the seed will feel exposed and vulnerable, not sure what to do or how to exist in this new, expansive world. But a seed will do what seeds are designed to do; it will begin to take up the space it has been given. The seed will sprout and grow, becoming what it is designed to become.

If the shell never cracks open, the seed can never expand into what it is meant to be. As necessary as the shell is for a time, it is also necessary for it to crack open. Only so much growth can happen if the shell stays intact. There is beauty and pain when the shell cracks open, but that is the definition of growth. Beauty and pain, existing side by side.

Each of us are born with a soul of a seed. Something tender, precious and full of potential within. As we grow, we develop a shell to protect this sweet inner soul. This is our egoic self, a self that is all about survival. It is formed and created early on and influenced by the culture we grow up in, the people around us and the experiences we have. It creates a shell to keep all our insides safe.

As we age, the more solid that shell becomes. It starts to feel as if we are simply a shell. We can easily forget that we are anything beyond the shell we present to the world. The shell becomes so tangible and real. All we see, every day of our lives, is this shell.

This shell masks us from the world. In ways, the world loses access to us while we also lose access to who we are underneath. It’s easy to believe that all we are is this mask, until we lose this ignorance and cannot look back.

It has spiraled me down a rabbit hole of self discovery. Who am I beyond this mask or shell? What exists inside and underneath? What is me and what is not? Too many questions and simply not enough time!

The shell is simply there to protect what exists inside; the seed. The seed in the shell is our soul hiding behind our egoic sense of self. The challenge I keep coming up against is that in the beginning, the seed must grow while the shell stays intact and undisturbed. If the seed doesn’t begin to grow first, when the shell gets cracked open, it will have little chance of survival. In essence, the first few steps of growth often lack visibility externally.

It is not easy to nourish the seed while walking through the world as the same shell you always have been. It feels like you are hiding so much of what you are doing and who you are becoming.

From the outside, it appears nothing has changed. Nobody has access to witness what is happening in the tiny little seed hidden away. Only you can feel the immense changes taking place internally while also not being able to directly witness them.

To protect the seed, to give it a solid chance of surviving in the often brutal world, you also have to do the work to maintain the shell for some time. As much as I want to devote all of my energy to this sweet little seed that is growing inside, I must also maintain the shell to keep it safe.

This is not an easy ask when as soon as you awaken to the understanding that you are both seed and shell, you will want to choose the seed above all else. When I remember that I am more than a hallow shell, it feels like a coming home to myself. The emptiness that existed within disappears. And everything in me understands how much potential lies in the tiniest of seeds.

Seeds are always used as symbols of potential and possibility. The largest trees often come from the tiniest of seeds. There is this excitement in knowing that a seed is just the beginning. So much more is to come as soon as it begins to be nurtured. Yet this potential is fragile. If it gets dropped into the world too soon, it may be too vulnerable to survive.

It requires a gradual exit from the shell and a gentle entry into the world. I’m sure there are seeds that counter this narrative, (I am no biologist,) but for me, my seed asks for the protection of the shell at first. If I feel too cracked open, I sense a new shell taking its place. When shells have kept us safe and held us together for so long, it is the easiest way to cope with a seemingly dangerous world.

What good does it do to crack open one shell if all we will do is replace it with another to protect the seed? To release a part of our ego, an identity that helped us feel grounded and safe, too quickly, will feel like death. A death that feels impossible to recover from without forming another layer of protection around yourself.

I’ve done it before and witness it often. We let go of who we thought we were before our soul self is ready, leading us to hide behind a new shell. When we feel too vulnerable, we want to harden. It is survival instinct. This world is made for solid and strong shells, not soft and precious seeds. The masks return quickly when we feel threatened by the external world.

So here I am, nurturing my seed of a soul ever so slowly while also maintaining my shell out of self preservation. But my shell has been cracked for some time now. At times, making me feel far too vulnerable to this wild world we live in.

And in truth, shells are never meant to stay intact forever. They are designed to be cracked open to allow seeds room to grow. Part of me fully knows that my seed has already outgrown its shell. That it is so thrilled that my shell is cracked open and exposed. Because it has been nurtured enough in the safe confines of the shell and is ready to expand into its potential.

But knowing and doing are two very different realities. I understand that a shells protection is only temporary and every seed has the capacity to grow best when fully exposed to the outside world. Yet here I am, still clinging to the parts of my shell that are intact. Refusing to let go and allow. It feels far too vulnerable to let my seed do its thing uninhibited.

My soul self, this seed that I have always contained, has been begging to be freed from the confines of my shell for years now. I have nurtured this seed in ways that have required all of me at times. It has been exhausting and intensive work that did not come easily. This world is not an easy place for seeds without shells to exist. But now that I know what it feels like to let my seed sprout and expand, I cannot return to my shell fully.

Again, shells are not designed to fully contain seeds forever. They are designed to be cracked open and allow the seed to grow. The shell of who we believe we are serves as protection in an often unforgiving world. But the work for each of us is to nurture our seed in preparation for when the shell cracks. So when the time comes, we are ready to let our souls lead the way.

Perhaps I need to let go of feeling cracked open. It’s becoming exhausting to keep up the appearances of a shell when I am actually a seed. It’s time to let everyone see my soul rather than my egoic self. It is time to set down the masks and release the weight of keeping up appearances.

As much as my soul feels like such a tiny and vulnerable sprout, it is ready to exist outside of the shell. My soul is expanding and needs all the room to grow. I am sensing that it is finally time to fully let go of my shell. It is terrifying to admit, but my seed of a soul is too expansive to be contained any further. It has become too exhausting for me to hold onto a shell that no longer serves me.

So this is me letting it go. This is me processing that I am no longer cracked open because I am not a shell. I am the seed underneath. I am a soul. And as scary as that is, it is also incredibly liberating.