The pain of awareness

I am currently deep in study of awareness. This word, that seems so simple, is proving to be a beautifully complicated thing in my life. What I’m learning is that awareness is the opposite of avoidance and we live in a world that encourages avoidance in far too many ways.

This can sometimes make awareness feel like a painful trap. One I would willingly fall into a million times over but it doesn’t make it any less painful each time. To not be aware is to be ignorant and you know what they say about ignorance; it is bliss. But is that so?!

I believe this is why I have an obsessive desire to comprehend the purpose of pain. I know the path of awareness that I am on will meet pain around every corner.

Honestly, most of us must experience more pain that we really want to admit in this life. More often than not, we simply spend the entirety of our lives running away from pain. Our inability to tolerate discomfort in any form can lead us in the opposite direction of awareness.

The shitty part about awareness, it rarely feels good at first. I would argue that most of the time, it feels like pain. If we are afraid of pain, in a conscious or subconscious way, we will chronically avoid awareness. I’ve done it too many times to count in my life. The avoidance of seeing what is right in front of my face to maintain a semblance of comfort and control over my life.

We each do this in our own unique way but for the over-intellectualizers like me, it shows up in life as judgement. I think I know all the things so I see all the things in everyone around me. I begin to judge others rather than bring awareness to why I feel judgement surface in the first place.

I’ve caught myself judging a bit too much lately. Part of me wishes I could play the ignorant fool and just throw my frustration on to others. But I am fully aware that judgement always begins internally.

I’m about to spin a 180 here and quote the Bible instead of the yogic lens I usually bring to these thoughts. At the end of the day, most spiritual paths contain the same truths. For some reason this morning, this passage from the Bible bubbled up from deep within me.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:3-5

I’m sure you’ve read this before and thought, yes, of course. It seems so logical. Don’t try to help others when you’re the one who needs the helping. If it’s so logical, then why did I wander around the world without awareness of my own pain, trying to fix so many people for such a long time in my life!? I know I am not the only one who holds this pattern! (Hello to all my helping professionals that feel this deeply!)

Avoidance or ignorance instead of awareness feels easier in a world that gives us a million ways to avoid and very few spaces to lean into awareness. The more aware I become of my own internal reactions, the more frustrated I feel at times.

I’m frustrated that avoidance is praised, especially when it benefits others. I will humbly admit that I am really good at removing specks from others eyes. I am a natural space holder and healer. I truly love to help others in pain. But that never helped remove the plank in my own eye no matter how much I pretended it may.

It took many years of cultivating awareness and learning to tolerate discomfort and pain before I could clear my own vision. Clarity is a word that has surfaced a lot over the past year. The more I direct my gifts of space holding and healing towards myself, the more beautiful my world becomes. Little by little, I’ve found a way to alter my vision by practicing awareness. It hasn’t necessarily made life more comfortable but the benefits outweigh the cons by a long shot.

I have to be honest, this short parable from the Bible, that I’ve known for many years, finally makes more sense to me. Self reflection and awareness will always improve our ability to serve others. Ignorance or avoidance cannot and will not do the same. If we judge others without wondering where the roots of the judgement originates, we will never change.

Somedays it feels exhausting to be more self aware. There are parts of me that wishes I could avoid the work that is clearly mine to do. My comfort and safety seeking self, wants to play ignorant for just a bit longer.

But pain is never dissipated by avoidance, only compounded. Awareness, however uncomfortable it becomes, is the only way through. The more of us that can focus our efforts on the planks in our own eyes with unwavering awareness, the more specks we can gently remove from the eyes of those in our community.