The messy life

Life is messy. I can still remember when my therapist first said those words to me. I didn’t want to believe her. I have lived my entire life trying to make life tidy and clean. But she was and still is right…life is and always will be messy.

I have embraced the messiness of life a lot better these days but still catch myself trying to stay tidy far too often. I have been camping for nearly two weeks now and I am anything but tidy. Not showering, living out of my car and sleeping in a tent are all things that make staying clean and tidy a bit difficult.

About a week in I was craving some tidiness and was as close I could get to booking myself a nice hotel for the night. But then I enjoyed a nice weekend of camping with a friend and it helped me to see my own blind spots a bit clearer.

I have often said lately that I love messy people. I have quite a few messy people in my life these days. I say that in the most loving way. I am a firm believer each person gets put into our life to teach us something. These friends of mine, the ones that handle mess like it’s nothing, amaze me. I am envious of how easily they embrace the mess and chaos of life.

It has really made me step back and question what I get out of this compulsion to keep things tidy and clean around me. It comes down to one simple word; control. When everything is in its place and all corners are dusted, I feel as though I have complete control over my environment. But of course we all know that control is an illusion. There is no way to control anything that is external to ourselves.

Again, I have come a long way in my ability to tolerate mess but these past few weeks have taught me a lot. As someone who used to be unable to go to bed if there were dirty dishes in the sink, I would say progress is progress. But my attempt to always control life is being tested. This is exactly what I wanted and needed out of this year. But getting what we want doesn’t always mean it feels great!

I feel like a hypocrite at times. I love messy people but I still hold this core belief that I shouldn’t be one of them. I need to have my shit together at all times, or at least appear to. This need to convince myself and everyone around me that I am in complete control is getting exhausting and quite frankly, old.

I know how uncontrollable life is. I know that life is unpredictable and messy. I know that is where the magic lives. I might even have fooled you into thinking I have let go of control and dove into the messiness of life. But here I am, still trying to keep my car, campsite and my own body tidy and clean at all times.

I love camping and am no stranger to all the challenges camping comes with. Funny thing is, I chose this. I could very easily be living a different life. There are a million ways I could be spending my time off this year. But I chose to come back to Colorado.

I believe there are many reasons I needed to come back here this summer but I will not get into all of them. But this one, this remembering of how messy life can be, is an important one. Yes, I am talking about the physical mess that comes with camping but that’s not all.

The mess of life is about letting go of control. A remembering that none of us know what we are doing. Life is happening every second. Nobody has done it before this very moment. So to think that life can be controlled in any sort of way is just silly. Imagining that keeping myself clean and tidy grants me a semblance of control is simply false.

So here I am, still camping, mess and all. My clothes are all sweaty, smoky or dusty. The closest thing I’ve had to a shower is a few swims in lakes and creeks with a bar of soap. I’ve eaten the most chaotic meals because keeping ice in my cooler is simply too much of a chore. Sitting in my car while waiting out a storm or because it’s too hot that Trek and I need a little A/C has been a reality more than a few times. Life has been messy, but beautiful.

I’ve had so many magical moments during this time in Colorado. The views have been epic, the quiet has been soothing to my soul and the connections I’ve made with friends are priceless. But to say camping around Colorado solo ish is easy and mess free is laughable.

I may portray my life as simple and easy and dear god it is a lot of the time. But there is always mess. No matter how clean and tidy someone presents themselves as, just know we all have a messy core. And that is probably the most delicious part of ourselves.

This idea that life is controllable if it’s tidy and clean is still something that I will need to shake out of my being many more times. But the next few weeks, as I spend most of them in the wild, I will remember this. Life is messy. Life will never be neat and tidy no matter how hard we try. The beauty of life is and always will be in the mess.