The many paths of life

I often see life as a path we all have to walk. There are many ways to walk this proverbial path of life. Some chose the straight and smooth path, paved and well traveled. Others step away from this wide and well worn path to wander down one less traveled. And there are also people who create their own paths, cutting away whatever is in their way and forming a new and wild path for themselves and others to follow.

Personally, I have often felt a bit lost in this life, not quite sure where to go or how to move forward. I have always seen this well worn and smooth path before me and been tempted by how simple it appears to be to follow. To me, it feels as this direction is the only one that is mapped out. All the other ways require you to step into the unknown and hope for the best.

Because I am a constant seeker of stability and certainty, I have chosen the straight and smooth path a lot of times in the past. Every time I begin to walk down it, I realize it isn’t quite as simple as it appears. So many people find peace in walking this path through life but I have never felt settled here.

My life has almost always felt better when I step off that paved path and onto one less traveled. Something clicks into place when I meet the more rugged and narrow paths of life. The ones that require a bit more effort and intentionality. Those that meander quite a bit more, appearing to slow down the pace in which I move through life.

I have tended to prefer these less traveled paths but part of me has always kept the well traveled path within eyesight. At any moment, I have been able to hop back over to this reality that is mapped out and simple to travel. I’m realizing as I write this that perhaps I never trusted myself enough to lose sight of this landmark. I thought if I strayed too far from this well walked path, I would lose myself and never be found again.

This has created a life that doesn’t quite look like the norm but intersects with it often enough to keep up appearances. In a way, I get the benefits of both these paths. I feel secure in knowing I am heading in a similar direction as everyone else while also wandering off on my own whenever I want.

But I’m also realizing that this lack of trust, that never allowed me to take a sharp right turn away from this well worn path, is holding me back from a life I know I desire. This time last year, I finally took a right turn. I stepped off the paved path and into the woods of the unknown.

This time, the path was very narrow and at times, non existent. I have had to trust my knowing that I am moving in the right direction. I have allowed myself to lose sight of any landmark that oriented me to a path I believed I needed. Life has felt more challenging than ever this past year. But also, more aligned than ever.

Recently, it feels as if my path is getting more and more obscure and confusing. I am having to slow myself down and heighten my awareness to find my way. I have both loved and hated the intensity of this endeavor. The further I get down this path though, the more contentment I find. The more I trust my knowing, the more magic I have discovered.

Part of me wants to simply keep cutting my own path into these woods of life, but life has different plans for me. In a short few days, my path will again intersect with this well worn path that I know so well. I will return to the same clinic I left a year ago to work for a few months.

I am excited to be able to return to work that I love, in a place that I love, with people that I love. Also, I am unsure how it will feel to step off my wild and narrow path for a bit again. Have I become too feral from my time in the woods!? What will it feel like to no longer have to cut my way forward, into the unknown!?

I do not have answers to these questions but my brain is desperately trying to find them. Of course, its favorite time to ponder the ever growing post Guatemala ‘to do list’ is around 2am. This morning it was midnight when I woke up remembering that I need to get new tires on my car before driving across the country, yet again. I can’t say I was too happy to be woken up by this but it is also giving me plenty of time to work on processing all of these big emotions.

It feels as if yesterday that I was making the drive from Colorado to Ohio to begin this adventure. It is hard for me to fathom that I have spent an entire year clearing my own unique path through this life. I have found so much trust in myself during this process and for that, I am forever grateful.

But even with all the trust I have cultivated, I am still unsure of where life is asking me to go. Is my return to the paved path a short stint to only remind me that it isn’t the life I desire? Or perhaps there is there more left for me to learn on that specific stretch of the path.

Part of me has always wished that I felt at home on the straight and well traveled path, but this year has been confirmation that I am not destined for such. My path will always be winding and a little chaotic, in the best of ways. Life is making sure I have the strength and endurance for any unique landscape I encounter.

So this is me attempting to help myself settle into the remembering that nothing is permanent. Just because I am taking a stroll down a path that maybe is not perfectly aligned with my being, it doesn’t make it the wrong path for me. Wherever I walk and however the path looks, life will keep moving me forward. There is no right or wrong way to walk through this life.

I am learning what paths I prefer. I am learning to trust my internal compass to guide me. And I’m learning to let go of expectations, the ones I hold and the ones society holds. I will do my best to settle into my knowing and trust my feet will carry me exactly where I need to be.