The gift of being selfish

It is so easy to lose ourselves to the external world. But it is also easy to lose ourselves within our own internal world. It seems like everyone has a preference for where they lose themselves, internally or externally. It’s the classics introvert/extrovert conversation. I thought I knew my preference but I’m realizing it is not a static thing in our lives. I’m also not sure if losing ourselves in either direction is good or bad. Or if it even matters?!

Over the past six months I have spent a lot of time alone. It has been a gift to be able to sit with myself and deeply feel into every aspect of life that I have experienced. I have learned more than I ever imagined from my own mind, body and spirit. This time was exactly what I needed even when it was not always what I wanted. Before coming to Prague, I was starting to question if I was losing myself too far inward. I was feeling trapped in my own world in the strangest of ways. What at first, I loved, was at moments starting to feel like torture.

I have always been an introvert, someone who prefers to recharge alone, so I always need plenty of quiet time to myself. In a world that prefers extroverts, it can feel hard for introverts to give themselves permission to hide away as much as they desire. At least it was for me. I knew alone time was good for my soul but I tended to put myself last on the list. Everyone else’s needs superseded mine far too frequently. But then I learned that being selfish wasn’t the terrible thing I always assumed it was.

Selfish is not a bad word, I swear to you! Taking care of ourselves is truly what we are designed to do. Because when we are cared for, we open ourselves up to the capacity to care for others with so much more ease. You cannot pour from an empty cup. I cannot tell you how many times I have said this over the past few years. If our cup is drained, how are we supposed to continue to pour out to others? It is impossible to pour from an empty cup. This is why filling ourselves up is the least selfish thing we can do.

I am a believer that discomfort and pain are usually our bodies attempt to communicate a change that is needed. Looking back, I am wondering if the discomfort I started to feel in my time of isolation was my body telling me that I am full enough. Once a cup is full enough, it gains nothing if we continue to pour into it. All that precious resource is lost, spilled over the edge into nothingness. Perhaps the torture I was feeling was simply the universe asking me to start pouring my cup out on purpose before coming back to refill.

As much as I had lost myself internally a few weeks ago, the pendulum swung quickly in the other direction as soon as I arrived in Prague. I let myself be absorbed into the lives of a certain few humans while here. I let myself get lost to my external world for the first time in what felt like ages. I went from spending all my time alone to very often sharing space with others almost constantly. Honestly, I loved it.

Sometimes drastic changes feel good. Feeling the bitingly cold air of midwinter on your skin after a sweaty work out. Jumping into a cool lake in the heat of summer. Going from all solo time to all friend time felt joyous. It was quite silly how much I loved actively participating in the mundane necessities of my friends lives. Helping them do projects, clean, grocery shop and run errands. A part of me craved doing life at its simplest with other humans.

The amount of satisfaction and ease I felt was a curiosity to me. I had labeled myself as someone who loves to get lost in life alone. So why was I enjoying the opposite now? I could go on and on about how life is never about the either/or. How nuanced life is and we are never exactly what we think we are. We contain multitudes if we stop limiting ourselves by our own beliefs. But I really think it comes back to my cup.

My cup was overflowing from all the energy and effort I had the privilege to focus inward lately. The universe simply gave me an opportunity to pour my very full cup into a few cups that were feeling a bit low. It felt necessary and good to share my wealth of resources with the people around me. Because my capacity was at an all time high, I could give in excess and still feel full. Even with constant pouring out, I did not feel drained.

I’ve always loved to give to others, it is part of my nature to care for those around me. But it used to drain and exhaust me. This cued the need for me to escape into my own world to recharge frequently but never for quite long enough. I’m realizing that perhaps I’ve been living life pouring from a half full cup now that I know what it feels like to pour from an overflowing cup. It feels as if I was constantly filling myself up to half capacity and thinking I could give 100%. The math doesn’t math very well.

As I am winding down on my time here in Prague, a place I have come to love so dearly, I am sensing the need to fill myself up again. I am not empty, in fact, in many ways I feel just as full as when I arrived, but I know my cup is not overflowing. I think the satisfaction I feel is coming from the knowing that my full cup helped to fill a few precious humans up a bit more while here. And when it comes down to it, tipping my cup into others is one of my favorite acts to do.

Now that I know how life feels when my cup is overflowing, I can’t go back. I absolutely love being able to support and care for others from a place of abundance. It makes me even more passionate about being selfish. About making sure the world knows that being selfish is not a bad thing. That living life with a full cup is an experience everyone deserves.

I hope I can give every person I meet permission to be a tiny bit more selfish. To remember that the most selfless thing we can do is to fill ourselves up to the brim. So we can pour out into others without needing to escape constantly. Oh what a beautiful world it would be if we understood the capacity we contain to pour into and out of our own cup with ease.