The Contrast of Colorado

I’ve been in Colorado for four weeks. Which feels as if it has gone by in a blink and also like I have been here forever. I’ve been processing through what this transition has meant for me a lot lately. I have been stretched between opposites so often over the past few years and recently, I was struck by the understand that this feeling may never dissipate. It is as if, once I opened the door to holding two truths at once, the door disappeared and just became my reality. The contrast of the opposites becomes complimentary instead.

I have felt myself stretched between multiple realities in uncomfortable ways often. The tension that builds within me, wanting to be in two places at once has been unbearable at times. Yet, here I am, bearing it all and honestly, savoring every bit of the discomfort. Life will never not fascinate me with how it can twist and turn and evolve in such a rapid and fluid way if we allow it. I suppose it comes down to being okay with change. Letting it come and go rather than holding on and attempting to control everything.

But that idea, of allowing change, is not quite what is on my mind at the moment. I am far too distracted by how contrast keeps showing up in my life. How I cannot get out of this state of wanting all the opposites in my life to coexist.

I want stability desperately. I want to grow roots in a community and find a place that feels cozy enough to make my home. I want steady work, a real-life house of my own and people who can be physically present with me daily. I am also aching for complete flexibility. I desire to have the freedom to go where the wind blows me at any moment. Not being attached to anything or anyone. I want to travel, I don’t want to know what is coming next and I want to explore the edges of my growth in every way.

These two dreams that are constantly stirring within me, feel so opposed. But I am beginning to question if they really are. As I am settling into Colorado and my life is swinging rapidly from one extreme to the other, I am feeling it all. A month ago, I had zero constraints on my time and energy. I felt expansive in ways that I was just beginning to feel comfortable enough to explore. Now, I feel as if every minute is precious because there is so much to fit in. I have obligations and external responsibilities that are pulling my energy in different ways.

Both oddly feel perfect and absolutely terrible at the same time. I wish I could explain this further but if you know, you know. I suppose I am coming to realize that the silly little saying of “the grass is always greener…” is absolutely true. When I was constrained by work and longed for all the free time in the world, I assumed as soon as I had it, I would feel as if my life was perfect. Then I got there and realized my life was perfect and still hard, just in different ways.

Part of me also longed for routine and stability nearly constantly during my time off. Now that I have a large dose of both of those, I am again realizing that it is everything I need and also still hard. It is comical how we can be living our dream life and also still be dreaming of another reality. My initial reaction is to wonder if I will ever feel satisfied? Or if it is ingrained in us to always desire something more? Is it how we have survived and thrived so long? By always seeking to move forward, towards something that feels more aligned with our being.

And also this feeling, of longing for something I do not currently have, has come and gone so quickly lately. I have also been blown away by how content I am with exactly where I am and what I am doing so often over the past few years. I have felt moments of feeling so content and centered in my being that I know whatever happens, it is the right path forward. This is a sensation that I believe I have unknowingly longed for my entire life. To feel at peace with every part of my current reality; what a dreamy place to live.

In ways, it comes down to me being content with feeling ease and discomfort at the same moment and knowing neither are wrong. This is not an easy thing for my mind to process. I want to differentiate these two experiences. I want them to be separated by miles and miles, but they never seem to be. It would be so much easier to navigate a world where there are concrete truths and answers to all of our questions. Imagine if every choice had a predictable reaction. Life would be boring but in ways perhaps easier.

Part of me wishes that one way of living would feel like home for me. That having complete stability in every facet of my life felt like ease without any discomfort. Or that I could live with absolute flexibility of my time, space and energy and be at peace without any sort of challenge. But both of those things will likely not happen for me. Maybe, just maybe, the beauty of life is finding the ease in the discomfort, no matter what we choose.

The ease exists because of the discomfort that has been traveled through. The peace arrives in spite of the challenges that come along with it. I know one thing for sure, I do not want a boring life. I want life to continue to surprise me around every corner. And trust me, it is doing an excellent job of that right now. I consider it an absolute gift that I have been able to swing between these opposites and experience them both so consciously.

I have learned and grown from being in both places. Stability is continuing to teach me that having a stable foundation allows for so much more freedom of movement within my limbs. Flexibility is teaching me that I usually can stretch far beyond what I believe I am capable of. I know both are necessary in my life. I will continue to walk this line between the contrast of both. I may always feel as if I am straddling the line between two realities.

Today, I am actually okay with this. I feel washed in contentment that this is exactly where I am meant to be. I am finally zooming out from my stable roots that have grown this past month and giving myself some time and space to wander and write. Allowing myself to maintain my flexibility while also honoring this time of stability is something I will continually juggle, but I will do so willingly.

Contrast, opposites, the ends of the pendulum swing, ease and discomfort. How wonderful that I can create space for it all to be present in my life. Even when a tiny part of my may wish for the boring path that may never contain extremes of either, I will continue to stretch myself in all the ways. I will continue to honor the fact that the grass may always look greener somewhere else but I am fairly certain that whatever color the grass is, it is just a silly illusion of my mind!

Perhaps all contrast is an illusion of our mind, to make the world more palatable to process. As I gain skills to process the world more consciously, the contrast may continue to fade. Ease and discomfort are both beautiful parts of life, equally important. The contrast between the two feels ever so slightly reduced these days, which I will consider a win.