The balance I seek

This morning I woke up far too early but couldn’t find my way back to sleep. I decided to get up and write a bit outside my room. But as soon as I walked outside I felt an intense pull to the ocean. There were about 10 minutes before sunrise so I practically ran to the water. I found the best spot, tucked out of view of most people and felt like I had the entire ocean to myself. I sat down to begin my morning meditation but it did not last long because I could not stop laughing. Full belly, joyful laughter kept arriving out of nowhere. It was the most ridiculous and wonderful way to begin my morning. See, it is my second to last day in Sri Lanka and my last surfing lesson was this morning. With my morning starting the way it did, I had a really good feeling about today.

But yesterday was a different story. As I was sitting waiting to go to the beach, my yoga instructor walked by. She looked at me surprised and asked if I was okay because I looked stressed. I initially responded, “no, I’m good.” But then quickly realized I was stressed and it likely was very obvious in my body language. I had taken the previous day off from surfing and it was my favorite day yet. Surfing is not exactly the sport for me and I was tense with anticipation of getting back into the ocean with my board. I shared my fears and she shared that she had returned to a spot where she got injured previously and had a terrible time. She decided she will not go back there to surf again. Our quick little chat was a beautiful reminder that it is okay to do hard things but also okay to not do them. Both choices take immense courage. But I got back into the water and caught one wave, so it was a success.

Today was a completely different story. I had the best time in the water and stood up more times than I can count. I didn't catch every wave but I found my balance in a way I had not before. Of course more laughter came bubbling out of me after every wave. The smile on my face was too much to contain at moments. I was riding the smallest of baby waves but the ocean yet again was teaching me.

I think that I have pretty good balance but surfing is teaching me a whole new way of feeling balance within. The balance I am seeking found its way to me this morning on one the first waves I caught. One of my challenges with surfing is to shift my weight forward enough to actually let the wave catch my board. I ride with my left foot forward and I cannot tell you how strong the resistance is in my brain to trust my left side.

You can see it in my posture, I can feel it in my tension, I love the right side of my body and fear the left. When I have pain, its almost always in the right side of my body. My right shoulder is lower, my shoulder and hip are tighter and my ribs are much stickier. If I had the option to only use my right side from here on out, my brain would jump on it in a second.

In Eastern Medicine, the sides of our body correlate with the yin and yang of our character. The right side, my favorite, is the yang or masculine energy. The right side is all about rigidity, control, fast paced, productivity, intellectual, hotter, giving and strength. The counter, the left side, is our yin or feminine energy. Here lies a different type of strength. One of gentleness, flow, slower, receiving, cooler, intuitive, nurturing and creative. It is believed that we all contain both feminine and masculine and they must be in balance to thrive.

I have known for quite some time that I am dominated by my masculine energy. Many people in our world are imbalanced and skewed towards the yang, no matter the gender you identify as. Our society encourages this imbalance unabashedly. The masculine is praised more often, recognized as superior, and given more space to take up in general.

I first began getting to know my feminine side several years ago. It has been the slowest process to coax my left side back to life and tame my strong right side. This dominance of my right side has played out in so many ways in my life. I love to give but hate to receive. I have always sought control rather than letting myself flow with the world. I always felt productive but never creative. The masculine within me dominated how I moved through the world. So much so, that my brain still has trust issues with my left side.

Today, on the first wave I caught, I felt my body lean over my left foot and trust her for the first time. I felt my body let go of the tension as the wave quietly guided me forward. What a sweet lesson to sense into. If I trust my left side, my yin nature, I can flow with ease. There is nothing to fear about the gentle nature of the feminine.

I honestly believe if I had surfed this entire week with my right foot forward on my board, I would have been able to catch a lot more waves. With the comfort I have in my right side, there is no doubt in my mind that the physicality of surfing would have come easier in this stance. But on the first day I chose to step forward with my left and stuck with it. I now know why, I needed this lesson. I needed to understand what it felt like to lean into and trust my left side in the uncertainty of the ocean. I needed to know that my left side is capable of helping me move with more ease in this wild world we are all a part of.

I have been seeking a balance between my yin and yang intentionally for years. I have practiced yin yoga religiously for the past two years. Almost every week I gained a bit more comfort in the gentle energy that can exist here. Our feminine side, the left side, holds just as much power as the right. It simply is expressed in a different form. I did not trust this power, I still apparently have issues with understanding it. But I am beginning to savor every opportunity the universe is giving me to step onto my left side with faith that I will not crumble.

I will encourage you to take a quick little inventory of your own internal balance. Stand up with your weight balanced between both your feet equally. First, shift your weight into your right foot. Notice if it is comfortable for you or if it feels odd. Then slowly shift your weight into your left and notice again how it feels. Almost all of us have a preference or at least a side that feels more natural. Pay attention throughout the day if you shift your weight to one side or the other more often. There is no judgement in this, there is no right or wrong side to prefer, simply an exercise in mindful attention of your own body.

We live in a world that is intensely out of balance. The yin nature in our world is being overpowered by yang in almost every facet of life. When our environment is so imbalanced, it feels counter culture to seek your own balance between these opposing energetic forces. As I have traveled, I have encountered more and more people who are seeking this type of balance and it is beautiful to witness. It is giving me hope. Hope that I can find the balance I am seeking and perhaps the world can be tipped towards a better balance as well.

Surfing is not my sport but I have so much gratitude for the lessons I have learned over the past week. I may not be able to catch a wave next time I get back on a board but I will carry this experience close to my heart for many years to come. The balance I am seeking is making its way towards me, one wave at a time.