Surrender to the storms

There are times in life that are smooth sailing and there are also times in life that will feel like the most epic storms. I don’t make the rules, this is just how it is.

I had the joy of driving across the country from Ohio to Colorado, yet again. It is a drive that I have done more times than I can count and honestly, at this point, kind of enjoy. It is usually a beautiful two days that I get all to myself. Music, silence, audiobooks, conversations with friends and podcasts all get devoured. Along with all the best road trip snacks, of course.

I expected nothing less from this trip. It is January, and I knew some weather was heading through the plains so I planned for it to be slower than usual. I was hopeful to keep it to the typical two day stretch but had an extra day cushion if needed.

Lo and behold, the entire trip was a beautiful test of my patience. It makes me giggle thinking that my last few days of this self proclaimed sabbatical are being spent testing nearly everything that I’ve learned. Can I let go of expectations? Can I roll with the punches? Can I release control and surrender to what is? And can I drive through a blizzard without tensing up every muscle in my body!?

The answer is…kinda!? The idea of surrender has been very present in my life over the past few years but even more so the past few months. One last little bump in the road is just what I needed apparently to cement a few valuable lessons into my being.

This is a poignant reminder that surrender is nothing without trust. Both of these concepts, surrender and trust, have shown up repeatedly this past year. But I am just now beginning to weave them together in ways that make sense to me.

Sitting in stand still traffic on I-70, in the middle of nowhere Kansas, during a blizzard is making sure I don’t miss this connection. On a day where I was hoping to finish the last 600ish miles of my journey and I’ve barely managed to drive 40…I am clearly being tested.

I’m going to bring you back to beautiful, warm and never snowy Guatemala to help clarify this understanding of how surrender is not all it’s cracked up to be unless it is accompanied by trust.

Where I spent my last month in Guatemala, there were so many beautiful butterflies. I loved seeing them every day as they navigated through the lush landscape, floating around with ease and gentleness. It always brought a smile to my face.

Because nature is nature and can’t always be contained or kept out, butterflies managed to show up nearly everywhere. There were a few buildings on the property that at times felt like butterfly traps. The big windows and screens would fool them into thinking they were safe until they attempted to fly through the windows, only to realize they couldn’t find their way back out into the world. Most days, I would attempt at least a few butterfly rescue missions.

A butterfly rescue mission is not always an easy thing to do but I can only imagine what it is like for the butterfly. From my perspective, there were three scenarios that played out during these rescue missions.

Scenario one: the butterfly doesn’t surrender. They fight til the end and usually never escape the confines of the room they found themselves in. Far too many dead butterflies were swept off the floor because of this.

Scenario two: surrender unwillingly. This was the butterfly that fought against me the entire time I was trying to bring them to safety. They ended up back outside, where they wanted to be, but likely a little more battered and bruised. They may have surrendered but there was an inherent lack of trust present that didn’t allow them to receive support without resistance.

And finally scenario three: fully trust and surrender. Every so often, I would be able to gently nudge the butterfly onto my finger and slowly walk them outside without any trouble. They would patiently wait until they were exactly where they wanted to be, and then they would fly off as if they hadn’t a care in the world.

The contrast of each of these experiences came to me this morning as trust and surrender wove themselves together. What if God is to us, what the hand is to the butterfly!? What if God or the universe or whatever you want to name it, is always just trying to move us towards exactly where we want to go?

We have the same options the butterfly does. We can avoid it at all costs and try to find our own way, usually leading to our death before we escape. We can struggle and fight the entire way and eventually end up exactly where we were hoping to be but feeling terrible. Or we could willingly trust and surrender to it all and appreciate the hand that guides us to freedom.

Any time a proverbial big hand is reaching towards me, it feels only natural to resist and run away. I want to find my own way. I want to continue to believe that everything is figure out-able by myself. But time and time again, I am proved misinformed. The universe isn’t trying to harm us when it reaches for us. It is almost always just trying to guide and support us.

I am learning that the first option, denying support, is incredibly unproductive. That the second option, resisting support, is effective, but the fighting will always leave us walking away a bit bruised. The third option, complete surrender and trust, is where we can find ease.

While sitting in on a closed highway somewhere in the middle of Kansas during a blizzard, I chose to embrace scenario three; trust and surrender. As much as I wanted to rail against the powers to be and fight my way through the storm, I realized nothing good would come of that. Perhaps I could find a back road to inch down, making incremental progress towards Colorado. But at what cost to my being?

I chose to trust that this was just another experience for me to collect and I would make it to Colorado exactly when I needed to. This trust, along with a heavy dose of surrender, allowed me to find ease in the extra 24 hours that this trip required of me. Rather than showing up in Colorado frazzled and frustrated, I arrived rested and grateful.

That’s the difference between scenario two and three for me and the butterflies; frazzled and frustrated or rested and grateful. I don’t know about you, but I would always rather show up rested and grateful. Ready to make the most of the new freedom that has been handed to me.

I have learned a lot about surrender over the past few years and every lesson has required time and effort to embody. I’m hopeful that the lessons keep coming while also hoping I am not stuck in anymore blizzards any time soon!