Staying connected in a disconnected world

I love to write. It is how I process my world best. It has served me in beautiful ways, especially over the past year. It is hard for me to admit that I have been far from consistent with writing over the past few months. Life has felt far too messy at times to put into words. My heart and soul have so much to say but haven’t been able to find a path to my mind.

I am realizing, not for the first time, that this world is designed to distract us from ourselves. It is intentionally keeping us far from our own heart and soul in painful ways.

When I write, I write from my heart. Often, I will finish writing and somehow have no idea what poured out of me. It is as if I am channeling words that began beyond me. This is only possible when I am connected to myself. When my mind, heart and soul are tuned into the same network.

This world we live in is chaos in its purest form, especially now. My mind, heart and soul feel so far from each other at times that it physically pains me. I put in so much effort to return to myself last year and part of me is questioning if the past few months have been a big backslide into old ways of being.

I recently saw someone describe the journey of life as a game of chutes and ladders. It felt so true that I had to laugh. Progress forward on this journey takes a lot of energy and effort. Climbing up a ladder is not easy or risk free. But when you stop on the squares with the chutes, sliding back is fast and simple. There is no effort required, just a letting go.

It took nearly ten months for me to feel as though I was stepping back into my own body. And here I am, less than three months back in the “real world” and I’ve slid I back into so many old patterns. Honestly, I think I landed on the square with the chute within days of returning to Colorado.

What took months to cultivate, took days to destruct. It pains me to witness this. While also knowing this is simply my perception of my own journey. Perhaps there is something I missed on my path forward that I need to cross again. I am a bit stubborn at times and repeat lessons are quite necessary for me.

I am also extending so much compassion towards myself. I am not sure if being fully connected to my heart and soul is safe while being more present in the world today. Part of me believes this disconnection I feel is my minds attempt to keep me safe. It is doing the best it can. I will honor that and also do my best to step back and observe these patterns that come so naturally to me.

It is also glaringly obvious to me that the way I was able to move through the world last year was an absolute gift. To detach from so much, cultivate vast amounts of space and find complete freedom of time and energy; not many get opportunities like that in a lifetime. My heart and soul truly became my guide during last year.

My ever logical brain got to rest. The part of me that for so long was my identity, took a back seat. I didn’t need to be consumed by my thoughts constantly because I found little pockets of the world where I had no job but to be present. And presence requires attunement to the heart and soul, not the mind.

Our mind will always pull us forward or backward in time in attempt to protect us from the present. When our mind is scrambling to find solutions, it is usually because our heart and soul feels unsafe. Our brain is primarily a survival organ. Its only goal is to keep us alive. When we feel threatened in any way, it will dig deep to find ways to find safety.

Can I blame myself if the pattern of disconnection that kept me safe for over 30 years of my life resurfaced? Absolutely not. This chaotic world is not designed for us to feel safe and connected. The division, the fear mongering, the baiting that happens daily is not conducive to us thriving. It is designed to keep us in survival mode.

If we are thinking, we are not fully witnessing the present. But in a world where chaos is the current trend, can we walk through it being fully present!? I am not sure it is possible without immense privilege. I have done my best to stay connected to my heart and soul over the past three months but at times, it has felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. The pain of this world has been unbearable in a sense.

This quote has found its way to me several times in the past week. “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” It is attributed to Jiddu Krishnamurti, an Indian philosopher.

This quote also gives me solace. In knowing that perhaps it is not a time where I should feel good. I don’t know many people right now who aren’t trudging through something hard. When there are wars and genocides happening and governments taking away freedom and further destroying our earth…are we supposed to feel good!?

In reflecting on how I have felt over the past few months, I have learned so much about how my mind and body operate. Because I was able to step back from this world for so long and find a sense of peace within, the contrast to how I feel now feels extra spicy. When I didn’t know there was another way to operate, being safely disconnected from my heart and soul felt normal.

I wish it wasn’t true. I wish it was not the norm for people to lack connection to their heart and soul. But I am sitting in between worlds trying to figure out how to bridge these ways of being. Can I create space in my life now that feels safe enough to let my mind return to the back seat? Can I continue down this path of being led by my heart and soul?

I don’t have a simple answer. I am not sure if one exists. Again, I spiral back to pain. My life’s path is to understand how pain is the wisest teacher we will ever meet.

This pain I feel, from the abrupt disconnection between my mind, heart and soul, must be felt. It is not a task my mind can complete, to feel something requires the heart to be present.

So perhaps I am living life right. Perhaps, it should feel really hard. As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that I may not be as disconnected as I thought. Because feeling the pain of this world is not an easy feat and here I am doing it. My old patterns of disconnecting to find safety simply aren’t working as efficiently. For that I am endlessly grateful and also a little pissed off about.

Because I have found this beautiful path and connection towards my heart and soul, I cannot return to that way of being. It would break my own heart if I severed that connection. So, I would rather let the world break my heart than myself.

I’m not even sure how I got here and if this will make any sense to anyone else. I suppose I want others to know that if they are feeling a lot of hard things right now, I see you, I feel you and I am holding you with love. If you’re feeling the weight of pain, good, that means you’ve found a way to stay connected to your heart and soul in a world that is attempting to keep you from this sacred connection.

Keep going. Keep leading with love. Keep feeling it all, no matter how painful. Don’t let fear disconnect you from your light. There is hope, there is always hope in the light.