Solstice Thoughts

Life is unpredictable and uncontrollable at its core. I, like many of us, have spent vast amounts of energy attempting to win at this game of life. I was and still am at times, trying to maintain control at all costs. It feels easier in a way, even though I know there is nothing easy about the friction it causes in my being.

Every expectation I create in my mind is an attempt to control. Every belief I hold onto despite all the lessons that have taught me otherwise is my attempt to maintain external stability. Every word I speak into the world that comes from a past version of myself, keeps me gripping to old patterns. Some days, it still feels as if everything I do is an attempt to seek control.

And then I have moments where I loosen my grip. Just for a moment, and absolute magic happens. These glimpses of surrender are what keep me going. Every time I have an experience that reminds me that control is an illusion, I soften a bit more.

A few years ago, my life looked radically different. I was, for lack of a better way to say it, a different person. I held many beliefs that have fallen away today. I had high and often rigid expectations of myself and everyone around me. I was living a life driven by fear and I was doing everything in my power to maintain control.

This is not a way to live. This is not a way to thrive. It was a way to survive. I didn’t know any better and in many ways couldn’t do any better. I am able to reflect back and love that version of myself deeply because she was doing the best she could with the information she had. And because she kept going, I am who I am right now.

When on a path of letting go, it is often a gradual process. If you let go too quickly, the mind and body might decide to cling tighter in response. To release and stay soft and slow is where the magic happens. But slow means it can often be difficult to have awareness of your own progress. When we cannot witness our own growth well, it is easy to feel like no progress is being made.

This is why I love little moments that remind us how far we have come. Life is always moving through cycles, whether we are aware of them or not. For the past few years I have intentionally tuned into the rhythm of the seasons in many ways. It has transformed the way I move through my life.

Two of my favorite days have become the solstices. The shortest and longest days of the year. The peak of winter and peak of summer. These days are balancing points for each other. One welcomes the light to return while the other welcomes the darkness to grow. They are these beautiful points in the year where the scales tip in a different direction.

The solstices are beautiful invitations to reflect back on the past six months of life. And as most of us know, a lot can happen in six months. Life can move very quickly some seasons and also very slowly at times.

Personally, my life has been moving quite quickly for many years now. It’s comical because it feels as though the more I intentionally slow down, the more rapidly my life moves forward. Two years ago, I was living in Colorado during the summer solstice. The following winter solstice, I was in the mountains of Sri Lanka. The next summer, I was in the countryside of Lithuania. Last winter, I was living in a community along a lake in the jungles of Guatemala.

This year, I am back in the same place as I was during the summer solstice last year. This is the first time in nearly two years that I am familiar with the place that I have found myself on a solstice. There is beauty in exploring and experiencing new places. There is also beauty in returning to the same place.

With a year of growth, this place is giving me an incredible opportunity to reflect on the changes that have occurred in my life. So much has happened, good and hard, since I was last in this beautiful country. To a degree, I didn’t even realize how much had shifted, until I returned.

I was in the middle of a year of absolute instability in every way. I felt as though I had no anchor to hold me anywhere and to be honest, it was incredibly challenging at times. Don’t get me wrong, it was a beautiful time in my life. But beauty can come with a lot of pain if we allow it.

As I was in this season of watery uncertainty, I ended up, by nothing short of divine intervention, studying with my teacher in Lithuania. I was so anxious to spend almost two weeks with people I didn’t know, in a country I didn’t know, with my self who I was just beginning to meet.

It was a beautiful week of growth and also quite uncomfortable. I felt anxious a lot of that time. I can remember not knowing what to say or how to express myself most days. I was unsure about who I was becoming and had no idea how to feel fully myself around these people. By the end, I felt raw and vulnerable and quite wobbly on my own two feet but also restored in many ways.

When I had the opportunity to return, I jumped at the chance. Of course I want to study with my teacher again, in such a beautiful place with so many beautiful people I had met a year before. I knew it was where I needed to be, but I didn’t know how much I needed to return until I arrived.

A year is a long time. In a year, a lot can change. Last year on the morning of the solstice, I woke up and swam in the lake during sunrise. This year I did the very same, welcoming the sun for the longest day of the year. That morning, I understood how much the weight of my being had been altered by the last 365 days.

I no longer feel untethered to the world. I am no longer feeling uncertain about my self and the world around me. Every experience, lesson, heartbreak and magical moment over the past year has shifted me into this new version of myself.

I feel as if I rebuilt my own foundation, from my feet up, in a way I didn’t know was possible. I have found a way to balance my desire for freedom and flexibility with grounded stability. It has shown up in many ways during my time in Lithuania. I cannot say I have felt anxious at all this time around. I have felt open and safe with every moment.

It has been such a poignant reminder of how much can change in a year. Again, sometimes it is difficult to measure our own growth when it is slow and steady. When we are so close to the process, it is hard to see how every facet of our being has been altered.

This solstice has given me a new perspective. It has allowed me to zoom out and see a bigger picture. It has been a beautiful reminder of what sincere dedication to the path looks like. It is not big experiences and wild adventures all the time (although, I am fortunate enough to have plenty of those too!) but it is in the ordinary moments where I choose myself.

Choosing myself, over and over, has been an act of radical love. I probably say it too often, but love, real, messy, unapologetic love, is what life is all about. The more we pour into ourselves, the more we become capable to pour love onto the world around us. And I truly believe, that is what we are each called to do. Love ourselves enough to walk the path, even when it feels wobbly and unstable, back home to ourselves.

Sometimes it takes returning to the same place to understand this simple truth. I have to laugh that Lithuania is that place for me. I didn’t even know where this country was two years ago and now it is part of my journey forever.

Perhaps this is an encouragement to reflect on where you were on this day last year. Or perhaps this is just me wandering through the past year of my life out loud. Take it for what it is. But remember, life moves forward, embrace it and just see what magic unfolds!