Rewilding Comparison

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

This phrase popped into my head a few days ago while riding on a motorcycle outside of the city Kandy in Sri Lanka. I had to look it up to remember that Theodore Roosevelt was the man to say this. I agree, comparison can be rough but I also think it is not always the thief we make it out to be.

I believe that as humans, it is in our nature to compare. I will bring back this idea of orientation. To be oriented, we must know where we are in relation to others. In a way, comparison might be necessary to feel present to this world. Don’t we need to see who we are in relation to others to begin to better understand who we really are?

Comparison provides contrast. It gives us a frame of reference to live life. It is the idea that it is necessary to see what I am not, to see who I am. But when we are constantly comparing and measuring ourselves against external objects, we will always find ourselves feeling bigger or smaller than we may actually be. So how do we allow comparison to be in our lives without it stealing away our joy?

While in India, we had a conversation about opinions vs being opinionated that has really stuck with me. My teacher spoke on how opinions are healthy but being opinionated can be dangerous. When you are a people pleaser (Hi, it’s me, I’m the problem, it’s me) it can feel like opinions are always bad. I like to refer to myself as a recovering people pleaser these days but I can still be really terrible at expressing my opinions openly.

To have opinions means that you have life experiences that have allowed you to discern what works and what doesn’t work for you. There is nothing wrong with this. Having opinions means you have a healthy sense of your self. It crosses to being opinionated when you think that everyone’s opinions should be the same as yours. Or you lose the fact that it is natural for opinions to change. Learning that what is my truth one day may not be true the next day was incredibly liberating.

So how does this align with comparison? I believe it is healthy to compare. My first week in Sri Lanka, I compared almost everything to India. If I had not been to India first, I would have compared everything to the US. I inevitably am going to compare what I am experiencing with what my current world view is. There is no way around this happening. But if I assign value to one being better than the other, one way being right and the other wrong, this is where comparison turns to judgement. If I hold rigid to my world view being the only right way, it is just like being opinionated. Another way of saying this is comparison is like opinions and will happen naturally. Judgement is using those comparisons as a weapon and becoming opinionated and this can be harmful.

I will be honest, I caught myself being opinionated or judgmental frequently when I first got to Sri Lanka. The food wasn’t quite as good, the people weren’t quite as bright, the sensory overload wasn’t as exciting, and I just didn’t feel the instant love I felt towards India at all. I kept thinking, this doesn’t quite compare…and it did not feel right to me. But I was struggling with how to hold the fact that it is okay to compare as long as it does not lead to judgement.

Once I admitted to myself that I was comparing because that is a normal and natural thing to do, I felt the guilt fall away. I know India and Sri Lanka are both beautiful and incredible countries in their own way. I know each experience I am having is not meant to compete with the other. Every moment of this trip is teaching me in different and wild ways. Comparison doesn’t mean I have to assign value to one being better than the other. I can admit an apple and an orange are different without saying one is better than the other.

In this way of looking at it, comparison is not the thief of joy. Comparison may allow us to discern what we appreciate from each experience. As long as I remember that comparing does not need to turn into judgement, I can find joy in everything even while comparing.

I believe what I have settled on is this. Comparison will happen, it is inevitable. Don’t resist it or guilt yourself over it occurring. But be aware that this opinion is only your current truth, which is never permanent. And also, it is only your truth and no one else’s. You cannot assume that anyone else’s opinion or comparisons should line up exactly with yours.

So compare all you want, but don’t let it lead to judgement. I’m going to revise Mr. Roosevelt’s quote, I hope he doesn’t mind! “Judgement is the thief of joy.”