Queering my life

My life has become very queer. And by that I mean queer being defined as strange or odd. I can still remember when I first learned this definition of queer. It resonated with me far before I knew I was actually queer in the more modern use of the word. It wasn’t until the 1940’s that queer became associated with any sexual identity that deviated from heteronormativity. Even though this is an identity that I claim, it is not what I want to write about today.

To queer something is the act of taking something and looking at it through a different lens. It is to question the dichotomy and the norms we blindly follow without understanding the context of where it originated. In a way, queering is similar to rewilding. This word that still haunts most of my days; rewilding is the concept of liberating ourselves from rigid constructs of our cultures and society and allowing ourselves to return to a more natural state, even if that goes against the norms.

Being odd is the simplest way to resist the norm and begin to rewild. In essence, any time we are living in a way that is outside the norm, we are queering that area of our lives. Recently, I have chosen to walk down quite a different path in life. Something in me has always felt constrained by the norms I observed but part of me was too intimidated to veer too far from the traditional path. This meant my life was a little odd but not so odd that anyone could make too big of a deal about it.

This worked for me for a while. I was able to be my weird self in certain spaces while still keeping up the masks that allowed me to fit in nice and neatly everywhere else. But the thing about masking to fit in is that it is more exhausting than I ever realized. This taming of the true self, a hiding of what I knew to be true all along, cost me a lot. In time, I realized the energy wasn't worth it anymore. I had to learn to return to myself, or else I wouldn’t be able to survive any longer.

This is where the rewilding began; the queering of my life. The leaning into everything that made me strange and odd. It didn’t take long to understand that what made me a little weird my entire life was not a fault, it was a gift. When I began to lean into the parts of myself that I masked and hid for so long, my life began to alter in dramatic ways. Since that point in time, I have been on what feels like an endless journey to continue to queer every aspect of my life.

I have found more beauty and magic in the mundane by leaning into the queerness of my life. I realized that I am allowed to choose how I move through this world. I am not tied to existing in one certain way. I do not have to continue to walk down the same path I started. I am allowed to change my mind and resist the norms.

I have done this many big and little ways throughout my whole life. But recently, I’ve veered quite far from the norms I used to consider the only path forward. It has been a challenging process, one I would willingly repeat over and over again. Here are a few of those pesky norms that I’ve decided simply do not work for me anymore.

They say make a house a home and settle down into one place.

So I chose to sell nearly everything I own and leave the state that had become my home. I took that money to travel the world for a year instead. It taught me that stability is always in illusion. That nothing is permanent, even if it has deep roots in the ground. Home is not a place on a map. Home is how a place and the people in it makes you feel. Settling down doesn’t always require you to choose one place.

They say find a life partner, get married and create a life together.

So I chose to fall in love with myself, the only person I cannot get away from no matter how much I try. Then I decided that there is no need for romantic love to be the pinnacle of relationship goals. I created a beautiful life with platonic soul mates and friends. Some I’ve known for years and others have only recently walked into my life. I stumbled into romantic love only after healing so many parts of myself through the love of friendship. And now get to experience romance in a new way that is breaking patterns deeply ingrained in my being. Yet still, my life is being created not only by two people in partnership but by many. Interdependence has become my lifeline.

They say find a job that takes up most of your time and work until you can retire.

So I chose to quit my job and began to understand that money is only a fraction of what makes us wealthy. That there are a million different ways to thrive in this world and having a 9-5 job is only one route. I learned that my soul feels better with long stretches of time where my energy can flow in any direction. My mind can conform to the capitalist system but it would rather not. I find more meaning in experiencing the world now rather than waiting until I’m older and have more “free time”.

They say meet a stable partner and have a few kids.

So I chose to stay kid free and become the eccentric auntie that shows up with random gifts even when she forgets everyone’s birthdays every year. I learned that the idea that a woman’s only role in society is procreation is harmful at best and a tool used to manipulate and control at worst. I have begun to understand that mothering does not require me to birth my own children. I am a mother in more ways that I can explain in this space and yet it does not define my value.

They say it is unsafe to travel outside of the US.

So I chose to travel anyway. To the places that my soul feels called to. And I’ve learned that when I approach the world with love and kindness, it is reciprocated 99.9% of the time. Traveling to places with different cultures and belief systems have helped me to further rewild and queer my own life in many ways. It has taught me that normal is always relative.

At the end of the day, the more I queer my life, the more I question all the shoulds I have placed on myself over the years. Queering is all about questioning where and why the norms exist. Are they to serve the greater good or to control and limit our return to the self?

I cannot answer what is right for you, only you can do that. But I am learning how beautiful it is to be an active participant in my own life. I get to decide what feels best for me. Some days that my look like the norm and some days that may be incredibly far from the expected. And I am starting to be okay with both, and that is more beautiful than I can fully express.