I am about to blow up my life for the second time in just as many years. Both have been by choice fortunately, but that does not mean it has been easy or comfortable. I am weeks away from beginning a self proclaimed sabbatical and it has brought up a lot of questions. “Why?” being the primary question I’ve been asked.

Usually my answer is not what people want; “That’s a great question, I don't know!” As I am sitting with this question with an open and curious mind, I am realizing I have felt a pull towards this for far longer than I’ve consciously known and I do know why…I am following my soul’s calling.

I have become a firm believer that we all contain a soul. An innate part of each of us that contains knowledge far beyond our limited understanding. It is the part of each of us that connects us to the web of life. The beautiful web that intertwines all beings and allows us to communicate without spoken word. This soul, this most authentic and raw form of ourselves, sits beneath our egos and personas. As I have begun to catch glimpses of my unique soul, I am realizing how soul-less our society has become.

I, myself, have lived a soul-less life for most of my existence. This does not mean I was unhappy or unfulfilled at all times. I know many people exist fully in this world without ever meeting their soul. But all it takes is one sideways glance and most are struck with such an intense desire to meet more of their soul, they are willing to do anything.

I have always been a seeker and have always felt like I never fully belonged anywhere. I felt like I was frequently on the outside looking in. But I played the part so well that most people would never know I felt this way. Because my observation skills served me well, I knew how to be in a world that did not feel like mine. It was a gift to be able to blend in…until it wasn’t. This ability to conform served me well for much of my life, but it also energetically cost me a lot.

As I look back on my short life, I see moments where my soul kept trying to call me down different paths. Most of the time these moments scared the shit out of me. Opportunities that felt so right for me but so wrong for the person I presented myself as. “The Jenna everyone knows would never do that.” is always what I would say to dissuade myself from an action. What if I would have taken one of those paths? A question that I will not even entertain. I needed many many glimpses at my soul’s path before I found the courage to step towards it, that is okay.

I am finally taking big steps towards my soul’s path. The past three years have been a constant lesson in trusting myself. Not the self I present to the world but the soul self that I’ve been so terrified of. It has been a time of cultivating courage and resilience and a whole new set of listening ears.

See, the shitty part about beginning a soul led life is that we live in a world that offers very little guidance to what this looks like. Everywhere we look, we are encouraged to be led by our ego. We are taught that our value comes from what we can externally produce or purchase. That we must always be chasing more and bigger and better. But our soul is a different type of leader. It is quiet to the ego’s boisterous voice. It is gentle to the ego’s abrasiveness. It is not the voice of strength and power but the voice of integrity and connection.

I am naturally a quiet person yet I needed to learn to truly sit in silence to hear my soul. I needed to let go of distractions and cultivate an entirely new level of awareness. It has not been easy and honestly has been terribly uncomfortable. I have felt crazy, unworthy, and generally like a stranger in this world more often than I can express. The soul is a powerful thing but not powerful enough to dispel doubt. To be able to lean into my doubt and get curious rather than spiral into anxiety has been awkward every step of the way.

Nine months ago when I heard a whisper that I need to leave Colorado and quit my job, I first went to doubt. Another one of my lovely coping mechanisms that served me so well in my youth was the ability to run away at any sign of danger. I have been a chronic escapist. I figured if I never plant roots deeply, it won’t hurt as much when I inevitably need to uproot my life and start over. Don’t get too attached and you’ll never get hurt. A motto that I know now is not a way to live a soul led life.

Was this calling to uproot my life like every past urge to run? Was I simply escaping before life got too hard? As I sat in this question, I kept hearing a resounding no. I did not trust it at first but over and over I kept getting the nudge to leave. But this time it was different. I love my job, I love my apartment, I love my community, I love this land. Logically, my brain had no reason to leave, yet here I was, being called to leave.

It took over a month before I even mentioned it to anyone else. But the first person I talked to responded nothing like I expected. They said, “yeah, that makes sense.” Then the next person I told echoed the same sentiment. Oddly, over and over I heard this same response. It was as if the people in my life were seeing into my soul better than I was. But it was a soothing reassurance that I was not going insane, this is the path that I need to take.

Even though I have had over six months to physically, emotionally and spiritually prepare for the beginning of this journey, I still am wrecked over this transition. A transition that feels much more internal than external. Yes, my external world is shifting intensely. I am selling nearly all my possessions, giving up having a physical home of my own, leaving the job I love and find purpose in, and saying goodbye to a community I feel very rooted in. But internally, I am being forced to recon with the clash between my ego and soul, meeting my shadow self with compassion, and learning to listen and trust the quietest whispers of my inner knowing.

Beginning a soul led life is anything but easy, yet it is the easiest choice I’ve ever made. I know despite all the discomfort and unease I feel, this is the path that is meant for me and me alone. I know the challenges will be intense and seemingly unbearable at times. Yet, the rewards will be incredible.

The cheesy quote of “Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” by Howard Thurman is hitting the nail on the head. In this world of so much soul-lessness, every drop of soul will make a difference. So here is to my unending journey towards the depths of my soul. It will be bumpy and wild but also magical and beautiful. Strap in and come along if you dare.

So yes, I now know my why. Because this is my soul’s path. This is the direction my life must go. This is the opportunity that will change me, help me evolve and expand. We all have a unique calling in this lifetime, I am finally stepping into mine with absolute trust in the universe. It still does not make it easy. Leaving a comfortable life that I really love for an uncertain path is illogical at best and terribly idiotic at worst. But a soul’s nudge is not gentle. It is not forced but if I continue to resist it, it will continue to call to me. I am letting go of resistance and stepping forward on shaky feet towards the unknown. It feels necessary and right in the moment.

Have you found your soul? Have you felt a nudge to follow an uncertain path?