I am Disoriented

It seems odd to admit this while on a trip that has been so incredibly wonderful but I am disoriented. This is not bad, it just is. And honestly, naming this has helped me to begin reorienting.

To be oriented is to know firmly where you are standing in relation to your surroundings. It is to understand the map laid out before you and know which direction to travel. Most of us live our lives very oriented to where we are. We have a solid map of our surroundings and this helps us to move freely. When we are in a foreign land without any familiarity, it can make our bodies feel completely disoriented.

I tend to get sick when I am run down or stressed, as many people do. Usually while traveling, it hits me about two weeks in, which happened right on cue on this trip. My last few days in India I got a bit of a cold. Thankfully it only lasted two days and then eased. But then two days into my time in Sri Lanka, I had myself a nice all night cleanse, from both ends…It was rough, but again, short lived.

Honestly, I was a bit surprised I got hit with two sickness back to back on a trip that felt so wonderful. I had been sleeping great after adjusting from jet lag, we had a really nice balance of activity and rest during the whole two weeks and my travel anxiety is significantly better than it used to be. But today it clicked for me, it is not only the physical, mental and emotional stress of traveling that wears me down. But perhaps it is also the effort required to orient to new environments. This pervasive sense of disorientation wears on me.

Of course, this is just another way to describe the stress of travel but for some reason it makes me feel less crazy. I’m going to jump into the science of what I sense is happening in my body. Often, understanding something is one of my favorite ways to move towards acceptance.

Our bodies are constantly taking in millions of bits of data from our environment. This happens through the five sense we know and many other senses we are only beginning to understand. This work is primarily completed by our autonomic nervous system. This system operates under our conscious awareness most of the time. If we were fully conscious to all the things our body is paying attention to at every moment, our brains would likely explode!

To reduce the risk of said explosion, our brain has a fun little tool at its disposal. This tool helps most of us not get too overwhelmed by our environment. This tool works differently for each of us, especially for those that are neurodivergent, but I will generally call this tool our brain filter, (It likely has a more scientific name but I’m not a neuroscientist and this is my PT brain explaining some really complicated stuff) and it helps us seek safety. See, our brains primary role is to keep us alive and safe.

Our autonomic nervous system is constantly scanning our environment and taking in information to determine if we are safe. Our brain then gathers it up and sifts through what it can. It attempts to find a pattern it recognizes or something that is familiar. As soon as it finds that, it actually assumes the rest of the data is irrelevant and just tells us what it thinks we need to know. The filter stops the rest of the information from making it to our conscious awareness. Again, our brains primary goal is to survive and if it gets signals of safety from our nervous system, it will be happy.

When we are in familiar environments, our brain has a lot of patterns to recognize. The food, the weather, the people, the landscapes, the noises, the sensations, all easy for our brain to recognize and feel very oriented. Easy for our brain means less work for our brain which at the end of the day means less stress for our brain. This is why humans love routine and patterns. Our brain is all about survival and survival is all about the most efficient process.

So if our brain loves routine and pattern, does that mean it hates newness and chaos? In a way, yes. And what is traveling to foreign and unfamiliar environments but constant newness and chaos?! As fun as it is for me to travel, unconsciously it is a lot of work for my mind and body to process. My autonomic nervous system is totally disoriented here even when I love every second of the sensory overwhelm. South India and Sri Lanka both are hot and humid, bright and colorful, filled with new scents and sounds, and culturally very different than my norm.

This sensory overwhelm that is so different than any input my autonomic nervous system is used to, is so taxing for my brain. The filter can’t work optimally because it is not oriented. It cannot recognize any patterns. It has to filter through so much more information than usual. The effort that is happening under my conscious awareness is intense. And just when I was getting a bit more comfortable in India, I jumped over to a different country that shocked my system again. Clearly my nervous system is not happy with me.

I have been less than kind to myself the past few days as I began to sense this disorientation and couldn’t figure out why it was happening. I love traveling, I love being alone, I am enjoying myself a lot, so why does it all feel so damn hard? But even as a fairly seasoned traveler, I am incredibly far outside of my comfort zone with this trip.

This is my first time traveling internationally alone (minus 2 solo days in the UK) and the first time I have booked a trip through a tour company. Traveling with my own driver, staying in fancy hotels, having private tour guides, and generally being catered to all make me squirm. As much as I have enjoyed the luxury of this experience, my brain is being thrown for a loop. It has absolutely no idea what kind of map I am standing on and my compass is spinning out of control. There is nothing for me to orient myself to.

Actually admitting that I am disoriented even when I am having an amazing trip has helped me to find more compassion for myself. I have been able to seek things that feel safe and comfortable for my brain and body. I spent the past three days hiking which did wonders for my nervous system. I have been doing my daily meditation and asana practices. And I have been eating foods I know rather than trying every new thing I see.

Being disoriented is not bad, it is actually wonderful. It is a new experience that will help my mind and body expand my internal map of the world. If we never felt disoriented, that would mean we never leave the safety of our own little world. With each new travel destination, my library of sensory experiences expands. As my yoga teacher often says, life is an experience giver. More experiences means more pattern recognition in the future.

Maybe someday, I will be able to feel oriented anywhere I choose to be. But for now, I will be kind to myself and take care of my nervous system.