Go with the flow

Sometimes you have to get knocked off course to find your way. That is what this past week has done for me. It has been really uncomfortable and not necessarily how I wanted to spend my week in Asheville, NC, but here we are.

I have intentionally tried to allow myself to go with the flow during this time off. I am typically a routine and structured person and wanted to challenge that way of being. I wanted to see what life could be like if I slowed down and let life lead me rather than force everything to go my way. I have found a lot of beauty in this way of being. I have had many beautiful opportunities flow my way by staying open to them. I am also seeing that there is a downside to this way of life. Of course, life is all about balance and moderation, not about swinging from one extreme to the other.

Life can be seen as a river, constantly shifting and changing depending on the environment. Rivers can easily split and be diverted if an obstacle presents itself. Water has the gift of flexibility, strength and adaptability. This is beautiful but can also lead in many directions, sometimes even dangerous dead ends. If there is an intention of getting to a certain end point, it is imperative that you stay aware and read the water wisely. You can continue to stay with the flow while also being mindful of the the shifts happening. If you do not keep a keen eye on the flow, you may end up at a dead end or on a dangerous route before you know it.

The truth is, you still have to steer whatever you are floating on. Being in the flow of life does not mean fully letting go and surrendering to the power of the water all the time. Of course, there are times when the swift rapids will catch you by surprise and there is nothing to do but hold on and allow. There are also times that the current will flow so gently that there is nothing to do but sit back and enjoy. Also, there will be times of turbulent rapids one after the other that you must keenly prepare for and steer carefully through. I’m writing this like I know how to guide a raft down a river of rapids! I do not, but I’ve been in enough rivers to know how to respect the flow.

If you send a boat down a river without any way to steer, the current may get that boat safely to the destination but there is also a high chance of it getting stuck, lost or it not arriving all in one piece. Rivers also have a way of lulling you into a sense of safety right before the scariest set of rapids. Awareness while in the flow is imperative to prevent surprise currents from catching you off guard.

I feel as though the first few months of my time off I got to sit back and relax as my boat floated gently down a beautiful stretch of river. It was calm, quiet and easy. It allowed me to fully let go and I truly enjoyed this way of being. I felt like I understood how to go with the flow and was mastering this new way of life. I let go of rigidity and brought a lot of flexibility into my life. Sometimes, that is exactly when the rapids will surprise you the most!

I have been feeling a bit off since coming back to the states. I couldn’t quite put a finger on it, but I wasn’t has content as I had been while abroad. My days were slipping by so quickly and I was not doing all the things I wanted to do. I would wake up and go to yoga and before I could blink, it would be time to go to bed. It felt almost like the current of life sped up without me noticing. Like the flow that was so gentle and fun at first simply started pulling me forward too quickly.

Before I knew it, my time in Ohio was ending after a few whirlwind trips with a couple hiccups of their own. Perhaps that should have popped me out of this daze and made me grab my paddles and begin to steer. But I needed a few more less subtle reminders to really wake me up. The day I was supposed to head south to meet up with a friend, I woke up to the first snow storm I had seen since being in Ohio along with a crummy cold. I listened to the flow and stayed back and rested for a few extra days before making my way to North Carolina.

The river of life wasn't quite done with me yet though and the next rapid really chewed me up and spit me out. I was spending a week in Asheville in a cute little airbnb right outside of the city. On a rainy morning, Trek and I decided to head down to a bike path next to the river (how fitting?!) to go for a stroll. Less than an hour later I returned to my car to find that someone had tried to break into it and broke my lock in the process. Fortunately, they did not get in because I had my wallet, iPad and half of my life in my car at the time. Because I hate doing car chores, my key fob has been broken for the past few months aka I was also locked out of my own car now!

This rapid really startled me but thankfully did very little damage. Honestly, it was an incredible gift. Thanks to AAA, I had to wait less than 30 minutes before someone very kindly came and got me into my car. By the way, it is incredibly easy to break into cars…so I’m extra grateful that the person who tried to earlier didn’t know that trick! And the Honda dealership in town was so wonderful. I got in quickly and got my key fob fixed that day and my lock fixed a few days later.

What I did take away from this incident was that I wasn’t steering my own boat. I forgot I even had the ability to. I let my awareness of the current drift and I lost sight of where I’m trying to get to. Even while in the flow of life, some rigidity is necessary to allow flexibility. Floating aimlessly will accomplish nothing and quite frankly, was probably contributing to the anxiety I had been feeling.

I know moving forward I need to come back to some sense of routine. Time has a way of disappearing when we least expect it. Without a routine, I was being swallowed up by every day. Humans are creatures of habit and I am clearly missing mine.

I have been resisting routine because I didn’t want to feel forced into productivity. I took time off work to adventure, explore and create. I did not take time off to be productive and efficient. This has been a challenge I have been sensing into lately but I am realizing that routine and habits are not for my productivity, they are for my sanity and stability. So I’m picking up my paddles and finally ready to return to a routine.

This was not the wake up call I wanted, but clearly, it was what I needed. I fortunately get to stay on the river, all in one piece. But my awareness is heightened and my paddles are in my hands. I am finally ready to read the water with a bit more clarity and steer in the direction of my choosing.