Flying by the seat of your pants

I have never been one to fly by the seat of my pants. I don’t quite know where that phrase came from but it is a silly one. I love to have a plan and structure in life. God only knows how I managed to plan a year off with such little forethought on what it would look like.

I had all sorts of wild ideas of what I would do and accomplish on this year off. I wanted to travel everywhere, learn everything and explore every corner of the world. Surprise surprise, you can’t do all the things in one short year. Also, if you do want to run around and do it all, you better have a plan.

So my no plans, let things unfold as they will, fly by the seat of my pants attitude didn’t quite match my ambition. But in so many ways, I am beyond grateful that this is how I have let this year happen. First of all, I love structure and planning but trip planning is my kryptonite. I would have crumbled into a pile of nothingness on the floor if I had to plan out this entire year at once. In reality, I simply needed space and time. If I were to plan everything out, both of those resources would have been in shorter supply.

So here I am, back in Colorado, figuring it out as I go. I landed in Colorado about a month ago with plans to housesit for a few weeks. That is about as far as I got with any sort of plan. I knew I would have my car, my dog and all my camping gear so I assumed I would camp around Colorado and explore all my favorite places with a lot less weekend warrior energy than I carried while employed.

I was excited to have time to wander and just be. The drive to be productive with my time constantly is endless even if it is just doing all the hikes and visiting all the mountain towns. I didn’t want that. I wanted slow and easy. But slow and easy is not always my forte.

Many lessons have already been gained the past two weeks of camping. One of course being how to slow down. I’ve also mentioned how messy and uncontrollable camping can be and how that is teaching me so much. I have also caught myself very much preoccupied with figuring out what is next.

There is beauty in having no plans. The flexibility and the ability to say yes to opportunities is great. But again, I love a solid plan. Not having one feels destabilizing and disorienting to me. I have caught myself quite often trying to plan and prepare while on a magnificent hike. I am literally standing in a field of wildflowers that are so magical it’s hard to stomach but all I am doing is thinking of the future!? It’s laughable honestly.

It is so easy to get sucked out of the present and into the future when we aren’t careful. Especially when you are a future oriented person like me, it doesn’t feel great when the future is not solid. I’m realizing how even when that solid nature isn’t actually true, the illusion of a solid future is reassuring to me. When I think I can see clearly into the future, my brain feels safer, even when that isn’t exactly the case. I want to be hiking on a ridge line but I am currently floating on a river, let me explain.

When you’re hiking a ridge line of a mountain, everything around you is visible, tangible and it is easy to see the path and destination. This is how my brain would love life to be like at all times. High on a ridge line, with 360 degree views in every direction. This is my visual of having it all planned and figured out. You can see the trail as far as it goes and you know exactly what to expect.

What I’m learning is life is more like floating down a river rather than a ridge line hike. The variables are so much greater and the visibility is pretty shitty. It would be great if we were able to walk through life on a ridge line. Able to see miles in every direction clearly. Knowing exactly where life is guiding us towards and all the obstacles in the way. The clarity would be fantastically refreshing. Some moments in life will certainly feel like this but I don’t think this is the norm.

More often than not, we are floating down a river. Often rivers are flowing through the low points of the landscape so our ability to see far into the distance in any direction is limited, especially downstream. There is an element of trust that is required when floating on a river because the unknowns are greater. All you can control is what you choose to float on and how well you can read the immediate water around you.

This difference, being able to see a 360 degree view vs having to focus on the small circumference of water directly surrounding you, is intense. I think the problem lies when I expect life to feel like a ridge line hike but I get a float down a river. There isn’t anything right or wrong about either but expectations are drastically different between the two.

I have hoped many times that this year would be simple to navigate. That the path I am meant to take would be as clear as a trail along a ridge line. But I am realizing that more often than not, I am navigating a river. My attention needs to stay focused on my immediate surroundings so I can make the best decisions in the now.

It isn’t easy to pull ourselves out of the future and back into the present. When I want to solidly know where I am headed next, it’s usually a sign that I need to bring myself back to the present. Maybe that is what fly by the seat of your pants means. Right where your butt is planted, that is where you have to move from.

I, of course, still dream of walking through life with the clarity of a ridge line hike. But for now I will honor the fact that I am floating down a river. I will bring my focus back to this moment rather than drifting off into the hopes of the future. I will keep flying by the seat of my pants and try to enjoy the ride. Because at the end of the day, that’s all we can do; enjoy the ride.