Finally, a blog about pain!

When I first started this year off, I had a lot of big feelings. Anything and everything felt incredibly intense in those first few months. It almost felt as if I had worn sunglasses and noise canceling headphones my whole life and I took them off for the first time. The world was a lot louder and brighter than I ever knew. In a sense, it was painful.

I felt overwhelmed so often, by feelings I could not always name. There was a thrill in this experience but also an exhaustion that came with it. I realized today, that my world isn’t any quieter or more dull these days but the intense swings between emotions have dampened in a good way. I finally sense that this is the way the world is supposed to feel, not the quiet and drab world I lived in for so long. I am more often thrilled by the world and less often overwhelmed.

My world is incredibly vibrant every day. I have spent the summer letting the wind guide me to where she wants me to go. It has been liberating to say the least. The most beautiful part is that the roller coaster of intense emotions I felt at the beginning has become a smoother ride. Of course, I still feel highs and lows but they are bunny hills instead of black diamonds these days.

This proves to me that it takes time for our mind, body and spirit to adjust to any change. I know this, we all know this. Change is hard, even when it is good. But it is possible or perhaps inevitable if we give it enough time.

I have spent years cultivating a healthy mind body connection but I still was blindsided by my body at the beginning of this year. I’ve talked about it before, but the volume was turned way up at first. Now, my volume dial has been turned back to a reasonable level and it feels immensely better.

I have noticed a few of my friends are just beginning a shift in their lives, moving in a more positive direction. But with this positive change, their worlds are becoming incredibly intense and overwhelming. Where they used to be able to dull their senses, now they are inundated by sensory information. They are confused and angry because in a sense, it feels as if their body is betraying them.

That is exactly what it feels like, a betrayal. If they used to be able to push through working insane hours at a job they didn’t love and be just fine, why can’t they feel fine now after getting out of that situation? Making moves to improve your life, sometimes feel worse before it feels better.

This wave of intensity is potentially a build up of everything that was held back and numbed from before. All our body wants is to be listened to. When we step away from environments that allow us to drown out the voice of our body, the flood gates are opened. Every moment our body tried to talk to us in the past and got denied didn’t just dissolve into the ether, it got stored. This stored information is what comes out when the flood gates open.

There is a part in everyone’s journey where they begin to listen to their body for the first time. We imagine it will be a moment of rainbows and butterflies and magic. As if our body will be thrilled to actually be heard for the first time in decades. What really takes place is a shit storm. Most of the time, our bodies are less than pleased with being silenced for years and they want us to know about it.

This unleashing of information, this opening up of the flood gates, creates this intense experience that I spoke of at the very beginning. Between the waves of shit that wash over us, we also get to experience the magic of the present moment. The vibrancy of being open to sensing into everything in the moment is the most beautiful experience. It almost makes the shit that follows it bearable.

At times though, it feels like the waves will never end. That life is just going to feel this intense from here on out. It makes a lot of people want to run as fast as they can back to numbing it all. Cutting off the mind body connection that was opened up feels like the easiest way out. But what I’m trying to say with all this, is it gets better.

There is a vast amount of discomfort that has to be walked through before making it to the fields of rainbows and butterflies. Our bodies are mystical things that can hold onto far more than we realize. When we allow the waves to come, we cultivate a tolerance to discomfort. This tolerance to the discomfort is the gift that we never knew that we needed.

When we can tolerate the temporary screaming of our body, we get to experience the bliss that follows. A dear friend reminded me recently that when pandora opened the box and let out darkness and pain into the world, she also released hope. Without the ability to sit through the shit, we never make it to hope.

I can attest to the difficulty of this transition phase. At times, I felt as if I was going crazy. The swings from pain to ecstasy were wildly exhausting. The pendulum swung hard and fast in both directions. But now, I have found hope, as the pendulum settles. Of course it is still swinging, but it feels as though it’s moving mere millimeters instead of miles.

Change is hard. But change is inevitable. Moving through change gives us the gift of resilience. It cultivates the ability to sit with discomfort and see it as a gift rather than a curse. This is the beauty of pain that I have obsessed over this entire year. Pain is the greatest teacher we will ever meet. The shitstorm that comes when connecting to our bodies for the first time is not going to be fun, but it is purposeful and actually a positive thing.

Time is our friend here. Our bodies need time to adjust to this new way we are sensing into our world. It happened so slowly that it was hard to recognize but there is no doubt that life feels more stable and calm these days for me. My body and mind are finally becoming close friends. This means there is less need for screaming and shouting.

So if you are in this moment of pain, the point where it feels worse before it gets better, let the waves come. Let the discomfort wash over you. Know that it is all temporary, as so much of life is. And pay attention to the vibrant world that is finally in your field of vision now that your senses aren’t being dulled. The universe is full of magic, darkness, beauty and pain, but most of all, hope.

It does get better. Let the discomfort teach you and guide you. Don’t run away from the pain. The only way out is through.