Fear of falling

The universe can only catch you if you are willing to let yourself fall.

This popped into my head while I was sitting in a sauna after working out one day. Sweat was dripping off what felt like every bit of surface area on my body. It felt like a spiritual experience in the moment. As if I was watching myself make another one degree turn in this life. Just one of hundreds of moments that have changed my life over the past few years.

You see, I don’t like to fall. I don’t believe many people do. Falling hurts and it is human nature to avoid pain. We will do everything in our power to avoid a collapse, even when it is likely inevitable. I can admit that I am very guilty of this. Even as someone who knows how much gold can be found in the lowest points of life, I still find myself avoiding the falls at all cost.

I will awkwardly stumble forward, using every ounce of power to avoid an actual fall. Crawling and scraping by effortfully rather than giving in to what I know is coming. This fear of falling, which in reality, is a fear of pain, consumes so much time and energy from me. After repeating this pattern for most of my life, I experienced recently how nourishing it can be to trust in the falling. I learned that the universe is always going to catch me.

The universe is always conspiring for me. When I first heard this, it sparked a little flame inside my heart. Could it really be true that God, the divine or the universe, whatever you want to call it, always wants what is best for us? I certainly believe this to be true now. In a world that constantly teaches us that most things are not to be trusted, this is a radical perspective to take.

I’m beginning to realize that the fall is not the painful part, it is the act of falling. Once we hit the proverbial floor, whatever that is, we stop. Something has caught our fall and ended the action of falling. The fear resides in thinking the fall will continue forever. In the forgetting that everything is temporary. It is wild how quickly our mind can create a story. A story that tells us we will fall forever if we let ourselves go.

In my mind, this story comes from a lack of trust. I don’t trust that anything or anyone will be there to catch me. I tell myself that I need to figure out how to stop the fall because there is nothing below me. I am the only one who can catch myself. While I have managed to catch myself many times over, the effort put forth is not always worth the reward. I’ve come to realize that this lack of trust of the outside world began with a lack of trust of myself. Or as they say, as within, so without.

Again, we live in a world that teaches us that trust is a risky thing. Trust is to be earned, not given. I believe that to trust someone or something, to have faith in it, is as necessary as love in this life. Without trust as a foundation in our lives, how can we ever feel safe? I also believe that trust almost always has to start with ourselves. When we begin to trust ourselves, trusting the universe follows.

There is a vulnerability that exists with trusting. To have faith in something outside of ourselves requires a letting go of control. It is always a vulnerable act to let go of control. Both of these things are scary. Vulnerability and releasing control can be as fear inducing as the act of falling. To me, they all feel the same. Perhaps that is intentional. To be vulnerable, to let go, to fall, essentially one in the same act. All of these are direct opposites of being tough, being in control and being independent.

To many, the later three qualities are positive attributes to embody. The longer I live this life, the more experiences I walk through, I am finding that to be a bit of a lie. I will take the former three even if that makes some perceive me as soft and weak. It seems that toughness, control and independence are often rooted in fear. Again, the fear of falling is worse than the fall itself.

What would happen if we all began to trust in the falling? If we all knew that at the bottom of every fall is a soft place to land. Imagine how much time and energy would be conserved. Instead of stumbling forward for days, months or years, we simply fell and let ourselves be caught. I know for me, it would mean gaining years of my life back.

I recently felt myself falling. Instead of attempting to control the situation and figure it out on my own, I leaned into vulnerability. I trusted that the universe would catch me if I fully let go. I asked for help and the soft arms that reached out and caught me felt other worldly. The oddest thing happened when I took this alternate path. Rather than falling for hours and days, it was only a moment. The fall that my mind told me was an infinite abyss, ended up being a few inches deep.

If I resisted the fall, I know I would have continued to stumble forward, grasping for control. Who knows, perhaps on that path there would have been a cliff with a much bigger fall ahead of me. Thankfully, I will never have to know.

What I do know is that the act of trusting has altered my being. When I began to trust myself, I began to trust the universe. When I began to trust the universe, beautiful things began to unfold. The falling became less scary because I always knew that somehow I would be caught.

It reminds me of when my high school track coach made us practice falling one day at practice. We all thought it was a bit silly. But what started out as an awkward exercise turned into one of my most memorable days of track. After a fall or two, my teammates and I began having so much fun. We were all laughing as we rolled around on the ground after each fall, trying to pop back up as quickly as possible and keep running. Little did we know how valuable of a lesson that truly was. The practice of falling, of learning that no matter what, something is going to catch us, is one I will hold onto forever.

Vulnerability, letting go of control and falling all require a high level of trust. Where is trust lacking in your life? Is it within or without? Wherever it is, begin to plant tiny seeds of trust. You will be amazed by what those seeds grow into.