Creating limits

I remember how I felt when I realized it had been six months since I had last worked. I was blown away how unreal time had become. It felt like years and minutes at the same time. I felt completely and utterly confused by it all.

Now I am sitting here, in Guatemala, days away from the year mark of this time off. I am not sure I have any more clarity of how I got here but I do feel more grounded. This past month I have spent quite a bit of time trying to summarize how this year has impacted me. I am at a complete loss. How can I squeeze the thousands of lessons into a few paragraphs?! How can I put into words so many different feelings? I don’t think my vocabulary can capture it all.

It feels impossible. However, one thing I have learned is that I am the creator of every limit I believe. I am the only one who can decide what is possible and not. If I could travel back in time and tell my 30 year old self that I would do half the things that I did this year, I wouldn’t have believed it.

Yet, here I am. Doing the impossible. Life is definitely a silly thing and I am learning to enjoy every minute.

Over the past week in Guatemala, I have been taking daily Spanish lessons. Something that has been on my to do list for years! You know, that to do list that is buried in your notes app. The one that never changes!? I can’t be the only one who has that?!

Well I finally checked this off the list. And it feels better than I could have imagined. I loved every minute of the challenge of being a beginner. Something I would not have dared to say a few years ago. I am sure that is why it took me so long to fulfill this hope. I needed to do a lot of work on myself before I could embrace this experience with joy.

I have always said that I am terrible with languages. As much as I wanted to learn Spanish, I told myself I couldn’t. Any time I traveled, I would try to learn a few words of the local language but then I would barely use them. I feared being misunderstood or saying the wrong thing. I was terrified of looking stupid and it literally felt like my brain would freeze the moment someone asked me to utter something in a language other than English.

For someone who put a lot of their value in being seen as intelligent, looking or sounding stupid was the ultimate failure. And the perfectionist in me always filled with shame even with the idea of failure. So the idea of spending time and money to learn Spanish, filled me with complete dread.

Just the idea of signing up for classes would make my stomach churn. But this time around was different. This time around I jumped in without giving it a second thought. I love moments like this because they are beautiful reminders of the growth I have made.

I spent 20 hours this past week one on one with my teacher. Every morning was spent stumbling through words that my tongue does not recognize. It was incredibly humbling and challenging but as the week creeped by, I wished I had more time. Past Jenna would have been counting down the minutes until this uncomfortable experience was over. But here I am, hoping I can squeeze in a bit more time with my teacher before I leave the city.

I have known for a while now that my limiting beliefs are just that, beliefs. This was such a gentle reminder. Every time I used to say that I am terrible at learning languages, I was creating my own reality. I was limiting my own potential. Something we all do far too often.

It feels really safe to limit ourselves. To create boundaries around what we can and cannot do is innately human. Our brain feels safe when it feels contained. The problem is, those limitations are rarely true. We put ourselves in tiny little cages all the time. And then when we outgrow them, we forget to unlock ourselves and walk away.

I believe I chose to limit myself to create a sense of safety and stability. I will repeat it a million times but almost all human behavior boils down to actions taken to seek safety and stability.

I began this year feeling a bit unstable, for many reasons, known and unknown. It has only been in the past few months where I have begun to viscerally feel a new sense of safety and stability that is fully centered within my own being.

This shift in my own understanding has allowed me to let go of so many limits. It has taken years for me to find this place. A place where I feel so centered in my own self that I feel unshakable. It is a sensation I am still attempting to understand. It has made me feel limitless in a new way. Which is slightly terrifying but also thrilling.

To be able to enjoy showing up imperfectly in this world is not an easy thing to do. I am so proud of myself while also being humbled by this past week. To be traveling alone in a new country, willingly failing daily, and still loving every minute is not something I thought I would ever be capable of.

I am learning that as much as we seek stability and safety external to ourselves, it is nothing in comparison to when we find it within. Life will always be uncomfortable. Tolerating this discomfort comes with so much more ease when we are centered within.

I did not believe I could in the past, so I couldn’t. Now I am choosing to believe that most anything is possible. I am allowed to limit myself as much as I want. I am also allowed to see myself as limitless. The later absolutely requires me to feel safe and stable within my self. Something that will constantly require effort and action.

Action and effort that I am very willing and able to take these days. Because I know how incredible life is when we open up all the cages we have placed ourself into.

That being said, am I fluent in Spanish? Absolutely not! Am I excited to stumble my way through interactions every day for the next two months, absolutely! I will not allow myself to continue to think I can’t learn a new language. It is possible, just uncomfortable, and that is okay!