Courage to stay whole

I’m moving through a bone deep understanding of a lesson I’ve taught many times over. It doesn’t feel great but I know it is important. As much as I love to talk about pain, I still struggle to welcome it without judgement. I’m being reminded that learning to regulate your nervous system does not make life easier. It often, in fact, makes life feel more chaotic and challenging. Bottom line is, our world is not designed for us to be fully human and stay regulated.

I am not the first to admit, we teach what we ourselves need to hear the most. Teachers and guides are not the perfect embodiment of the wisdom and knowledge they hold. They are usually messily stumbling through exactly what they are sharing. I teach because it is repetition and a reminder to myself. It is selfish to a degree. But most human behavior can be traced back to selfishly wanting to survive. Some behaviors are just more acceptable than others.

There is this pervasive misunderstanding around nervous system regulation work. It is marketed as a way to bring more ease and calm into your life. I, myself, perpetuate this lie at times. Because it isn’t really a lie. But it is not the full truth either. Regulating your nervous system, finding safety within your own body, is life changing. It has helped me walk back into my own heart and body and find a new perspective on the world. I feel safer in my body than I ever have before and it has changed every aspect of my life in the best of ways.

It has also made moving through life exponentially more challenging. In many ways, our world is designed to be thought through, not to be felt. As someone who is really good at thinking my way through the world, using logic and reason to navigate, I know how praised this skill is. I have been explicitly and implicitly taught that my mind is my most powerful tool for the entirety of my life. I believed this so fully that I decided that my body was simply the vehicle for my mind and my heart had no say in how I should live my life.

I can admit that for most of my life, my body and heart were in the backseat of the car. My mind has always been driving every decision I made. It worked for so long because, again, the world encourages this. Constantly we are encouraged to think our way through every decision. That understanding the facts and truths of life will lead us in a direction that is best and most logical. I didn’t believe that my body or heart had anything to contribute. In many ways, I lost trust with the parts of myself that were in the backseat.

But then, when living life with my mind kept steering me down dead ends, I realized that perhaps my mind doesn’t have it all figured out. Perhaps, there is some importance to feeling through things rather than simply thinking my way out of every dilemma. This nudged me towards diving into understanding the mind body connection in new ways. One thing led to another and eventually I found myself studying the nervous system through the lens of my logical mind. Which I’m sure you can guess, only led me so far.

I kept feeling as though something was off but couldn’t quite comprehend exactly what it was. But as I continued to study and cultivate trust and connection with new parts of myself, I began to hear a new voice within. Rather than only hearing logic, I also heard my intuition loud and clear. It spoke so clearly that it frightened me at first. It may sound woo woo to you, trust me, I was uncertain about it at first too. It was a shocking revelation for my mind that my body and heart existed and had a voice of their own.

A voice that has been whispering in the background of my life constantly, waiting for my mind to quiet down enough to listen. Well, I finally kicked my mind out of the driver seat and decided to try to move through the world in a new way. This moment of clarity came when I knew I needed to leave Colorado last year. The voice of my intuition became so loud at the beginning of 2023 that I could no longer ignore her.

So after a lifetime of letting my mind lead, I switched gears and let my body and heart feel their way through the world. I will be the first to admit, when you learn to move through the world in new ways, there is a very long awkward phase. We cannot learn a new way of being without wobbling around and falling a lot first. Feeling my way through the world rather than thinking felt clunky and uncomfortable for me in so many ways. But I knew it was important so I kept going.

This continued challenge to feel my way through the world required a lot of trust. Trust that I spent years cultivating through working with and understanding my own nervous system. Trust that I am forever grateful for and also frustrated by at times. It is not easy to express how different my world has become because of this work. How much my perception of reality has shifted and this has made my life feel more whole and complete.

Also, while I have come to have a new perspective on the world, the world itself has not necessarily changed for the better. The world still encourages us to think our way through reality rather than feel. There is so little space left to be heart led in the our current paradigm. Returning to this paradigm by coming back to Colorado and working full time, has led me to a jolt of understanding.

This world is not designed for us to be fully human. This world is designed for us to live in our minds and forget we have a heart and body. There is nothing that encourages us to become regulated and return to our body. I would argue, that the opposite is often the case. There is a dramatic desire from our society to attempt to pull us out of our hearts and bodies and keep us trapped in our heads. To me, this feels very intentional and to be frank, incredibly harmful.

As I am attempting to navigate my own return to this currently paradigm, I am feeling less than great. I am being pulled out of my body and a regulated state nearly constantly. In ways, I think it would be far easier if I could return to my past life of living in my mind. If I could simply cut off my connection to my heart and body right now, I would feel so much less stress.

But I refuse to return to that way of being. I know that connecting to my mind, body and heart and listening to each unique voice within, has altered my life for the better. I know there is a simplicity with living disconnected to this sacred trinity we all contain. Listening to only one voice may feel easier at times, but there is always strength in numbers.

I know staying connected and tuned into my heart and body will never make experiencing this world simple. I know that feeling my way through life may always be more challenging than thinking my way forward. But I know that all the hard is worth it. Feeling regulated is not all rainbows and butterflies but it does make both of them more beautiful!

Being fully human in a world that doesn’t quite want us to be is not easy. Continuing to show up as my full self and refusing to disconnect to my heart and body may drive my mind mad at times. But learning to find peace and ease in this chaotic world is worth it.

So, no, nervous system regulation work is not all about feeling good. It is about feeling it all and not letting that drive you away from yourself. It is about feeling it all and knowing your mind, body and heart each have the courage to stay connected. The courage to stay whole.