A season of two of pentacles

I am not a juggler. And this time in Colorado has asked me to juggle a lot. I am finally ready to admit that I have dropped a lot of balls in my attempt to do it all. For better or worse, I am ready to set a few things down and tidy up. I have resisted admitting it, but life has felt like too much lately.

I am picking up a couple things that fell to the way side while also realizing that it is quite okay that I cant do it all. In fact, it is absolutely normal. Nobody can do it all and feel like a sane human at the same time. Two hands can only carry so much. It is the beauty and curse of the human body; it is not infinite in it’s capabilities.

I am having a two of pentacles moment. If you are not a nerd about Tarot, let me explain. The two of pentacles is a card about finding a balance between all things. Perhaps we hold something in each of our hands. Whatever these are, they each require two hands to move forward with the endeavor. But to use both hands on one, we must let the other drop to the ground. It is the idea that we cannot let ourselves move in every direction at once and make forward progress.

Sometimes we are holding so many things that excite us, we forget that it is okay to put things down temporarily. Putting something down for a moment doesn’t mean it will disappear from our lives. In fact, often setting it down will allow it to grow roots right where it needs to. I am learning again that I am not the best about giving myself permission to let things go.

As humans, we crave to possess our desires. We hope and dream about things for a lifetime and when it shows up, we have no idea how to actually hold onto it lightly. We grasp onto everything that comes into our lives as if they will slip away like sand the instant we soften our grip. We forget that nothing is designed to last forever. Everything is impermanent, except our very soul. Our hands are designed to be gentle with all things.

I got existential quickly here, and I’m not sorry about it. Life has felt extra lifey lately and that always seems to make me extra curious, diving down the rabbit hole of “why?” But I will attempt to stay squarely on my feet and not float off into space here. Let’s return to the too muchness of life lately.

We all go through seasons of abundance and seasons of scarcity. This movement from summer to winter feels different for everyone. Some love the fast pace and chaos of summer while others love the slow and gentle winter. I heavily lean towards a preference for all things slow. Give me quiet and calm any day over fast and busy.

Returning to the world of real jobs and more responsibility felt like landing in the hottest summer of my life smack dab in the middle of winter. I went from the slowest life I’ve ever experienced back into a reality I have known so well but had walked away from intentionally. And it isn’t lost on me that I returned to work in Colorado days after the winter solstice, the longest night of the year. I truly did fall into summer in the middle of actual winter.

The abruptness of this on my system took weeks to shake out. And now, over three months after the transition, I am finally gaining clarity as to why it felt so uncomfortable. I went zero to one hundred in a lot of ways. I didn’t only return to work but also jumped into teaching workshops, hosting retreats, and branding myself into a business. I never had enough hands to hold all of this. But I sure did do my best to carry it all.

My being is still quite overwhelmed but this season of life. And if you know me at all, you know I don’t do well in overwhelming situations. The challenge has been that I am also loving the chaos a bit too much. All of these things that have flown into my life are things I have dreamed of for years. To teach, to support others, to write creatively, and be able to sustain myself doing it, is all a dream.

I called all this into my life, and here I am bitching and complaining about how overwhelmed I am. Shouldn’t I be grateful that I have so many opportunities!? How dare I express frustration over how exhausted I am?! Life has been so magical and yet I am beginning to understand that my hands can only hold so much. That it is okay to admit that what I am carrying is beginning to feel like too much.

I have been seeking all of this for so long, it feels criminal to let some of it go. My fear of scarcity returns so quickly. If I let this go now, will it ever return to me? Of course it will. The universe is always conspiring for us and what is meant for us will find a way into our hands eventually. Perhaps this is a time of learning for me. A time of understanding how far I can stretch myself without breaking. A time of pushing my limits to learn to dial them back.

I am still unsure of how this will all shake out. But as I am beginning to see the finish line of this season of life, I am already beginning to reflect on what I have learned. I have a lot of growing and learning to do. And holy cow, have I learned and grown a lot to get here! Both are absolutely true.

Part of me still wants to try to juggle it all. To pretend that my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health are not taking a toll by keeping all of these balls in the air at once. But I know too much. I can see where this path could lead. I could roll right through the discomfort, ignoring every lesson flashing before me, and keep moving in every direction. I could challenge myself to enjoy a faster paced lifestyle. But where would that lead me?

All signs point towards the inevitable crash out. A moment of dropping everything, by choice or by force. Thankfully, a few balls have naturally dropped away already, and for that I am endlessly grateful. Because at this point, I have enough perspective to know that those balls were never mine to juggle for long. I have a sense that I have made it through the hottest part of this internal summer and cooler weather is headed my way.

With one more month left in Colorado, I am feeling things speed up and slow down at the same time. I want to squeeze every moment out of my time here which means stacking more into days than I usually would. I am trying to remind myself that I can’t juggle it all for long but maybe short seasons are more tolerable for me. Remembering that what falls to the ground is likely meant to land there.

I’m still learning how to hold onto things lightly, especially when they are things I have dreamed of for so long. It seems irresponsible to hold onto these important things with such a gentle touch. But that is how our hands are designed to work. What we hold onto with softness tends to stay. What we grasp onto tightly tends to find a way to slip through our fingers. It is a lesson I will likely repeat many more times before I loosen my grip.

Perhaps I am not the only one who has felt the too much-ness of life lately. Perhaps we all feel as if we are juggling a few too many balls and our hands are tired of death gripping onto life. Maybe we all need to loosen our grip and see what falls away and what stays. I am certain that what is meant for us will stay squarely in the palm of our hands while the rest of the balls will drop like seeds to the ground. Seeds that will someday return to us when we are ready.

Life will challenge us in many ways. This pace of life is not my favorite yet it has brought so many beautiful gifts my way. I am only now beginning to see with clarity all the gifts I have received over the past few months. I am sure I will continue to unwrap more life lessons from this time as the rhythm of life slows to a pace that feels safer to my being to process more.

That is the beauty of life, seasons don’t last forever. Everything is impermanent. Loosen your grip. Let it all go and what is left in your hand will be everything that you need.