A new way of learning

My past pain has always been a gift to my future self.

This line popped out of me as I was writing my morning pages this week. I really love when these little nuggets of truth wriggle their way from my fingers before I can consciously become aware of them. It is why I write so much and so often. I know that I have a lot of things inside that I am often completely unaware of. In a way, writing is one of my favorite ways to get out of my own way. I can write and type faster than I can think. This means my ego cant trip me up quite as often.

We all know that pain is a frequent topic that spins around my mind. I know part of my purpose in this life is to get rid of the stigma surrounding pain. To teach myself and those I come in contact with that pain is not this terrible, no good, ugly thing. Pain has a purpose and is a beautiful part of life when we allow it to fill the role it is designed to. One of the original reasons I wanted to take this year off was to study pain. I thought this studying would be as I had done in the past but I misunderstood the syllabus quite a bit!

I have been learning more about pain than I ever imagined over the past six months. This learning has not come in the form I am used to which has made it a bit harder to catch at times. It slips under the radar in the moment only to bubble up to the surface after some time has passed. This way of learning is not easy for me. I would much rather absorb knowledge as I always have done; through books, courses, podcasts and people. This direct line of knowledge makes sense in my logical brain. It is easy to follow and feels like the type of learning we have all been trained to do.

I am coming to understand that learning happens in many forms and shapes and they are all necessary. I used to live in a world where knowledge had to come from tangible sources like all the places I said above. But my eyes have been opened to this entirely new way of seeing the world. And with this new vision, I am learning in incredible ways.

I’m sure there is a scientific word to describe this realm I am exploring but I’d rather not know it right now. I would rather just stew in appreciation for this novel experience I get to absorb. This learning that feels as subtle as a gentle breeze one moment and then as violent as a hurricane in the next. Where the quietest part of my mind can weave together past experiences and current situations by using the sensory world of my body. I sure hope I am not the only one that gets to understand the world in this way.

I wish I could share a concrete example of what this looks and feels like for me but that would require a deep dive into my past that I am not prepared to write. But if you have ever experienced a conversation, an interaction, a book, a movie, a song, a therapy session, or any other insignificant moment in life that altered you in ways you couldn’t comprehend, you get it. Those moments in life that feel like a sweet balm on a wound that you didn’t even know needed tending. The events that connect the dots so deeply that it feels as if the sun is shining just for us. The things that heal us by surprise.

I am understanding that this way of learning is not as unique and rare as I first believed. But to fully absorb these quiet lessons a few important ingredients must be present; Energy, space and permission to feel. Energy to expend towards ourselves, not to give away. Space to let ourselves be without judgement or thought. Permission to feel into the present moment rather than suppress or run away. These three things are what is rare in our world.

I do not know many people who have excessive energy, space and give themselves permission to feel in the way that is necessary to tap into this wellspring of knowledge. The world simply is not conducive to having a large capacity of these because it often feels as if we are being selfish if we use these resources inwardly. There is this ever present influence that encourages us to give our energy and space away to others and to deny our feelings. I’m beginning to question if it is on purpose.

Over the past six months I have cultivated more capacity to feel than every before, created an unusually large amount of space within and around myself and found what feels like a new inner energy source. Each of these things has not come easily but as I have settled into understanding how to utilize these novel resources, I feel like I am unlocking so much. I didn’t consciously understand why I needed this time off but something in me knew. Somewhere deep inside me, I understood.

I continue to walk this uncharted path with full awareness that it will eventually return me to a place that feels more familiar. I could live in this world of energy, space and feeling indefinitely but I know that is not the path for me. As beautiful as this time in my life is, it also feels as if I am in a bubble, slightly removed from the world. I am being protected from so many parts of reality that I know I do not want to avoid forever. If my purpose in this life was to understand every aspect of my inner world, then I could stay on this path forever. But my purpose is far from that. Understanding my Self is so important to me because it is a tool I can use to help others.

I need this time to dive into understanding my own pain so I can better understand the pain of the world. This quote by author Matt Kahn helps me to understand my need for this year. “Despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves. This is the heart of clarity.”

I know I can only meet people where they are. That is a lesson I learned far before this time. But I want to go so deep within myself that nothing I witness within the deep of others can scare me anymore. I also want everyone I meet to know that it is possible to shift energy, space and feeling inward and live in that bubble for a bit. There is more to learn within than we could ever imagine. And there is nothing selfish about making the effort to meet ourselves. It is our greatest gift to the world in so many ways.

This is a core tenant of yoga. Yoga is not about changing your outer environment. Yoga is about changing your inner environment and watching how magnificently that creates change your outer world. It feels impossible, to go inward to enact change outward. But I’m learning it is the way for me.

I am pretty sure this just became a bunch of words to justify to myself that I am still on the right path. It is quite funny how I can know with such certainty that I am exactly where I am meant to be while also carrying so much doubt. This is my outward expression of giving myself permission to feel it all without judgement. Perhaps it will do the same for you